The agony of trying to unsubscribe | James Veitch

The agony of trying to unsubscribe | James Veitch

It’s funny the things you forget. I went to see my mother the other day,
and she told me this story that I’d completely
forgotten about how, when we were driving together,
she would pull the car over, and by the time she had
gotten out of the car, and gone around the car
to let me out of the car, I would have already gotten out of the car and pretended to have died. (Laughter) (Applause) Because that’s how you die. (Laughter) And I remember, that was a game
I used to play with myself to entertain myself whenever
I was bored or frustrated. (Laughter) Settle down. (Laughter) People say we live in an age
of information overload. Right? I don’t know about that, but I just know that I get
too many marketing emails. I got a marketing email
from a supermarket firm, which will remain nameless for predominantly legal reasons, but which I’m going to call “SafeMart.” (Laughter) I got an email from them,
and it went like this, it said: “Just three weeks until SafeMart
at King’s Cross opens!!!” And I resented this, because not only do I not remember
signing up to that, but I resent the fact
that they appear to think that I should be excited
about a shop opening. So what I did was I scrolled down
to the bottom of the email, and I pressed, “Unsubscribe.” And I thought that’d be the end of it. But a week later,
I got another one that said, “Just two weeks until SafeMart at King’s Cross opens!!!” And I thought, obviously,
I haven’t clicked hard enough. So I tried it again. Right? Lo and behold, a week passes,
you guessed it, “Just one week until SafeMart
at King’s Cross opens!!!” And here’s the problem: The internet gave us access to everything; but it also gave everything access to us. It’s hard enough to discriminate between the things that genuinely
matter in this world and the minutiae of life, without having emails
about supermarket chains and Candy Crush Saga. And I was really annoyed with them, and I thought, OK, I was about to write
a strongly worded email, which I can do quite well. (Laughter) And I thought, no — I’m going to find the game. So I replied to it, and I said, “I literally cannot wait!!!!” (Laughter) “What do you need from me?” They got back to me;
a guy called Dan said, “Hi James. I’ve asked a colleague
to help me with your query.” (Laughter) Like it needs help. And I said, “What’s the plan, Dan? I’m thinking fireworks, bouncy castle …” (Laughter) “I’m not sure what you mean.” (Laughter) I said, “I’m just tremendously
excited about the opening!” (Laughter) “Do you want to book
the bouncy castle or shall I?” He said, “I think you have misunderstood.” (Laughter) “A new store is opening,
but there is no celebration planned.” I said, “But what was all the ‘Three weeks
until,’ ‘Two weeks until’ emails? I was getting excited.” (Laughter) “I’m sorry you’re disappointed.” (Laughter) I said, “Not to worry. Let’s do something anyway! Besides, the deposit on the bouncy
castle was non-refundable.” (Laughter) “If we don’t use it, we’re out
a few hundred quid, Dan.” (Laughter) He said, “Mr. Veitch, I’m not responsible
for anything you have ordered.” I said, “Let’s not get into who did what. Bottom line: you and I
are in this together.” (Laughter) (Applause) “Question: Will you be there
to make sure people take their shoes off?” (Laughter) I’ll be honest, then my relationship
with Dan deteriorated somewhat, because the next email I got was this: “Thanks for your email –
your Case Number is …” (Laughter) That’s outrageous. I said, “Dan?” (Laughter) And I got — and I was just like,
this is … — and I, I …. And I said, “Danny?” And I thought, this is terrible.
All I’m doing is collecting case numbers. I said, “D-Dog?” (Laughter) “The store is now open.” (Laughter) I said, “But Dan, they must have wondered
why there was no bouncy castle.” And then we were back to this. And that might have been
the end of the story, but I remembered
that anything — everything — even something as mundane
as getting out of a car, can be fun if you find the right game. So, this is what I replied: [Thanks for your email –
your Case Number is #0000001.] (Laughter) (Applause) And we just, uh … (Laughter) It was like we were dancing. It was just a beautiful relationship. We just kept going. It was lovely. But to be honest, guys,
it was quite labor-intensive, and I had other stuff to do, believe it or not. So what I did is I have a little email
auto-replier program. And I set it up so every time
it receives an email from SafeMart, it just pings one back. So I set it up, and it says, “Thanks for your email –
your Case Number is …” Then it has a little formula that I wrote
to up the case number every time. And I put it on the server and set it running. (Laughter) I’ll be honest, guys — then I forgot about it. (Laughter) I checked back on it the other day, and it appears there have been
a number of emails going back and forth. We’re on 21,439. (Applause) It gives me an immense
sense of satisfaction to know that these computer programs
are just going to be pinging one another for eternity. And as legacies go,
I don’t think that’s bad. So guys, just remember: if ever you feel weighed down
by the bureaucracy and often mundanity of modern life, don’t fight the frustration. Let it be the catalyst for whimsy. (Laughter) Thank you. (Applause)

Comments (100)

  1. Understandable, have a nice day.

  2. Do someone know how to unsuscribe with pinterest ?

  3. I’m American. What is SafeMart avoiding copyright of?

  4. I love you James and I’m not Gay…

  5. He is funnier than Adam Sandler. Therefore so should do stand up comedy and make millions of dollars…

  6. smh they should've had hummus at the opening

  7. Yes! "Allow Joy, Bi+c#e$!"

  8. I have a crush on him

  9. ᴀʰ, ɪ ᵗʰⁱⁿᵏ ʸᵒᵘ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵐⁱˢᵘⁿᵈᵉʳˢᵗᵒᵒᵈ

  10. Best Ted talker ever!

  11. Who wants to know how many emails have been sent to this day

  12. I miss James! Wish he had more product.

  13. The hero we need but dont deserve.


  15. Conditions apply, gold nugget….

  16. This man reminds me of Grian – voice and look

  17. You are telling us how sick you are.

  18. Legend has it, the emails are still going on today

  19. That's the problem with spam emails. They come from automated systems with un-monitored smtp boxes, then when a frustrated
    real person replies, the server's like "OP, WE GOT A LIVE ONE!" 968 EMAILS 4 U!!!

  20. I want to live like this guy lives.

  21. SafeMart.. Safeway? 😏

    If anyone knows what I'm referencing, you're awesome.

  22. The pool builder: Where will you live?

    James: BOOM! (floating seat appears in the middle of a pool)

  23. Andy Rooney would be proud!

  24. This guy is my hero

  25. So basically James has been cheeky since birth!


  27. I believe James's email program is going to be used against us as human beings when the machines rise up and take over.

  28. James is a genius, I haven't laughed so much and so hard over a stand up comedy act.

  29. This guy is a hero.

  30. Stupendous! A moment away from the real world.

  31. As I lay in bed baked out of mind, I am fixated on what Case Number those two computers are on by now? I'm thinking a few hundred million… at least?

  32. This is nice and funny, but Ted talks used to be educational. Just watched the talk by Jeff Bezos from 2003. His delivery was incredibly funny too, but above all it was a visionary talk. This here is just 100% comedy. Seems like Ted is getting less relevant and serious.

  33. Enjoyed this, but wonder how can emails be from at 6:45? Safemart is a made up name?

  34. He absolutely captures British sarcastic humour superb delivery

  35. This is what happens when you are intelligent and have too much time on your

  36. Moral of the story?
    When life gets to be too much, just play dead. 😖

  37. Do you think they reached #1000000 by now?

  38. After 3 videos with this guy, i feel like i´ve seen them all. He is getting old really quick.

  39. He is too funny! I wish this guy was my neighbor! Can you imagine his phone pranking abilities in h.s.?

  40. I fake hung myself when i was about 11….. my mom did NOT think it was as funny as me

  41. How does he have so much time

  42. Name: James Veitch
    Work:spams spam emails

  43. I’m now going to try that with every spam email.

  44. James: "and heres the problem the internet"
    (My internet freezes)

  45. This guy is great👍
    I like games too!

  46. Really want to finish watching this but my mum keeps screaming at me to vacuum her room carpet
    Clean your own f***ing carpet Karen

  47. sir, great video as perfect

  48. we enjoy this video

  49. He’s the real “NO U”.

  50. 3 years ago- The agony of trying to unsubscribe.
    3 years later- The agony of YouTube unsubscribing against your wishes.

  51. You should have gone to the opening. I hear they were giving away a free toaster

  52. I still want my FREE TOASTER!

  53. The thing with bots replying to each other actually happened in my company. We got about 200k tickets when someone was on vacation and had an autoreply.

  54. The 4K people who disliked this video are most likely the ones sending the spam emails.

  55. "The things that genuinely matter in this world…"
    shows audience
    "…and the minutia of life"
    shows james XD

  56. This dude is the true definition of chaotic good.

  57. This dude is the true definition of chaotic good.

  58. That was soooo good!!

  59. If Eddie Redmayne and Charlie Puth had a kid

  60. People who don’t know English: Hahahaha haaaahahahaaaa !

  61. That is a funny story how dirty companies can easily and with impunity cheating us and violence our's privacy.

  62. Dan, the had of costumer care

  63. This guy is funny,why?because he made my great grandmother laugh…she’s dead

  64. He's so british ❤

  65. whoa great channel love it smile.

  66. Is he my long lost brother

  67. “Game i play with my self when I was bored or stressed” 😂 if u know u know

  68. 発想力が凄いw

  69. Sorry where can I get free toaster ? Which bank was that

  70. The shop is actually called save mart

  71. Bro, coach don't play 🙏

  72. 21 000 emails sent oh my god 😂

  73. Ok, now that you all have a big grin on your faces, if you haven't already, you need to see James' Siri vs Alexa
    you will be rotfl!


  75. The business is on I’m trying to raise the balance for the gummy bear so he can submit all the needed fizzy cola bottle jelly beans to the cream egg for the peanut butter M&Ms process to start. Send 1.500.000£ via a giant gummy lizard

  76. Why am I watching a guy who played dead with his mum.

  77. His 39 year old his young

  78. I wonder what the # is now

  79. 😅😅😅weres my toaster

  80. He somehow reminds me of grian

  81. Apparently, four-thousand people don’t have a sense of humor.

  82. He reminds of me Drop Dead Fred.

  83. Yes indeed, what is Danplan?

  84. I love his sarcastic wit. So hilarious

  85. When the TED motto came on the screen “Ideas worth spreading” I’m just sitting here cackling like:

    This guy is spreading his trolling ideas to the entire world😂🤣

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