Responding vs. Reacting | Quick Guide to Dealing with a Narcissist

Responding vs. Reacting | Quick Guide to Dealing with a Narcissist

Responder x reagir Esta habilidade vai ajudar você a evitar a armadilha que o narcisista arma pra você, convidando-o a perder a sua integridade. É importante que você entenda que a sua reação ou a sua resposta são responsabilidade sua. O narcisista irá focar completamente na sua reação enquanto ignora o abuso que cometeu. Quando o narcisista foca na sua reação, você esquece completamente o que motivou a conversa desde o início (o abuso). É uma técnica fantástica de desvio e um truque sujo que o narcisista usa. A diferença entre reagir e responder é o estado mental de controle (mindfulness). Quando um estímulo externo acontece e você reage impulsivamente, de forma emotiva, você não reflete sobre as consequências. Talvez você acabe parecendo o vilão, ou talvez você aja de forma a perder a sua integridade, e você não vai gostar muito de si mesmo depois disso. Ou talvez você se torne o alvo por causa do que você fez ao reagir ao abuso ou à provocação que aconteceu. Uma das maiores armas do narcisista é usar palavras e atitudes para provocar uma reação emocional sua. Quando isso acontece você alimenta o narcisista. Você alimenta o manipulador com a sua reação emocional. Esse é o suprimento narcisista. Quando você realmente compreender isso, você compreenderá o poder que você tem. Você compreenderá que ao reagir você abre mão do seu poder, e ao responder você se empodera ao não cair na armadilha narcisista. Não dê a ele a reação. Escolha a sua resposta com consciência. A sua resposta é sua responsabilidade e é também sua liberdade de escolha. É por isso que é empoderador responder em vez de reagir. Como desenvolver a habilidade de responder em vez de reagir? A primeira coisa a fazer é respirar. Você pode sempre respirar 3 vezes. Respirar te dá tempo e distanciamento para começar a estar mais presente, a fim de que você responda em vez de reagir. A segunda fase é se tornar conectado ao próprio corpo. Traga a sua consciência, a sua presença, para o seu corpo e perceba como seu corpo se sente. Onde está a emoção no meu corpo? Perceba como você sente a emoção no seu corpo para evitar reagir por impulso. Quanto mais presente você está, mais ferramentas e recursos você terá. E por fim, conforme você ganha tempo ao respirar e se tornar mais presente no seu corpo, pergunte ao seu cérebro lógico, quais seriam as consequências caso você reagisse dessa forma? Se você não quer reagir da mesma forma que vai continuar te trazendo problemas repetidas vezes, então faça uma escolha diferente. Escolha responder de maneiras que promovam o seu bem-estar, em vez de deixar que alguém ou algo controle as suas emoções e o seu comportamento. Aprender a responder em vez de reagir é empoderador. Essa habilidade mudará a sua vida e não apenas em relação ao narcisista – tudo na vida tem a ver com estímulo e resposta (ou reação).

Comments (69)

  1. Omg I've watched ur other video about responding versus reacting at your old place before you moved. And lately I feel like I needed to rewatch that. Thanks Meredith you're awesome.

  2. It's crazy because I recently was talking with my ex to finalize the divorce. And he was going crazy it was irritating him that I wasn't falling for his usual tricks.

  3. I want u to know that u saved my life last year around this time.. thank u on the bottom of my heart. you're the best Meredith!

  4. Meredith, this is an awesome video; I will be sharing 10,000 times; keep up the good work!!! 🙂

  5. My exnarc was into this dramatic scenario and was actually projecting it at me or so it seemed and I stopped her in mid stride and asked her “just exactly what reaction are you wanting from me?” and I swear it shut her down and this blank look washed over her, sharing my experience 😊

  6. Thank you! I assume this will take much practice and concentration! Mindfulness ~ how do we get better at that? Great music too!

  7. You are incredible Meredith. I feel that this was sent to me as a gift at the right time. Fab video, love the music. I am putting the music into my subconscious to use as a mind map for an ominous day approaching. 💖💖💖 you.

  8. Great reminders! Thank you. My hair-trigger is letting my narc mom or dad push my buttons and flying off the handle. They can see it really burns me up and of course it's "mission accomplished" for them. My mom is especially skilled at Projective Identification, where you literally start acting out the parts of them they put in YOU. It would be great if you could address that in the longer version. Always look forward to your videos!

  9. Eres una bendición!

  10. My heart was beating so hard the whole time. This is exactly what I needed today.

  11. Hello from Romania! Great job, Meredith! Thank you!

  12. I get the "hit and run" comments from the narcissist, leaving me not knowing what hit me and I don't get a chance to "respond calmly after breathing etc"  I would love for you to address this in your upcoming video.  Thank you !

  13. Thank you for this simplified version of “grey rock” and non-“J.A.D.E.” techniques (justify/argue/defend/explain).

    Responding vs reacting makes a huge difference in dealing with toxic/narcissistic behaviors.


  14. Excellent!!! So well said and so timely as well. I have a neighbor who is constantly overstepping boundary and pressuring me in a condescending way to take what she wants. The audacity and illegality is astounding to me. I have been so kind and generous to her. I saw my reaction and was breathing and choosing when the notification came onto my screen. You named it so well and with such clarity.Thank you so much. I don't have to react right away, I can make sure I do the things that I need to do today to meet my own needs and then I can write a response in clarity rather than defensive reaction. Choice. So powerful! xo

  15. Great video it explained narcissistic abuse and taking your power back the clearest I’ve ever heard. Thank you Meredith for sharing your wisdom

  16. Wish I knew then what I know now. I walked right into the trap on the very final meeting with the narcissist. I went to have a rational chat I was faced with black anger raging deflection of everything back on to me gaslighting the silence used after the loud outbursts…. I didn't know what I was dealing with then. I walked straight into the narcissist trap. The shock of the mask slipping and seeing the rather nasty abusive person underneath the quiet so nice exterior sent me into shock. I broke down in tears and I don't cry easily.and worse still it was in public.!! The narcissist seemed to enjoy my discomfort and stared vacantly at me and Mt emotional reaction and visible distress.. They didn't come to see if I was OK when I ran outside and broke down as a result of their unexoected crazy outburst and their clear contempt for anything I said!
    In the middle of it all they sat there and proceeded to use silence and tight-lipped black-eyed staring wanting me to breakdown and clearly enjoying making me squirm. I did to my shame plead with them. I was then discarded in a very very cold tight lipped way. If I had been aware and knowledgeable as I am now my reaction would have been different! My only consolation is that the narcissist unmasked themselves when I got the courage to say no to them and no to their game plan for me. their careful grooming and well laid plan to exploit me for their professional and personal gain was foiled as I refused to carry out their wishes! Manipulated as I was I saw and felt something was wrong when their reaction to me having my own opinion and saying no to them saw the love bombing come to an abrupt end. I had the gaslighting the silent treatment and the final discard then a couple of attempts at hoovering all in the space of four months!!! at the end of a two year 'friendship'I didn't know all those terms until someone mentioned that this person was manipulating me being passive aggressive and bullying me. Education is power when I read up on narcissism my experience was text book and I saw what I was dealing with. I went no contact with and have maintained that since last was a devastating almost crushing experience that I still have to heal fully from but I am recovering. This person had made me uneasy in myself from early on and in future I will trust my gut instinct. I feel foolish that an educated intelligent person as myself could have been so taken in and that my good nature and empathetic spirit was used and abused so badly. You live and learn and at least I got awayand survived!before this emotional abuse destroyed me. I am a vulnerable sensitive generous person. and need to be more circumspect in future. This experience has taught me well.

  17. Excellent advice, the way you presented this was so powerful and straight to the point! thank-you 😄

  18. WOW!!!
    This is just FANTASTIC!! Love everything the music makes such a statement with what it says.. SO TRUE I cannot believe how blind we can be until we actually READ this & start to put ourselves in these exact situations.. Now I'll know the RIGHT RESPONSE


  19. Excellent production Meredith! It really hits home the key points to focus on!

  20. Brilliant video, both in message and production quality!

  21. Excellent video – directly makes the point perfectly. Thank you.

  22. Excellent 👌🏼 thank you.

  23. all good advice.
    I worked with a narc who messed with me for months and before I really knew what a narc was, something in my gut told me not to react and not to give them the drama they were looking for. Their bizarre behaviour lead me to google and I learned about narcs and I knew I found a live one.

    They did however eventually accuse me of not doing my job , and tried to intimidate me with aggresive staredowns or looks of contempt. Then next day they were quite friendly again.

    When all this didnt get a reaction from me they went nuclear on me, when we were alone of course with no witnesses. I saw a scary face, a grin saying some nasty stuff to me that seemed to delight them. I had to leave that job, but I'm glad I never got involved in a shouting match or name calling. Dont wrestle with the pig. At least I have that.

    But when they are out to get you, you can only control your own reactions, usually they have the charm to convince others that you are the problem. Thats hard to swallow

  24. So needed this reminder. The older I get the more Narc's I have to deal with..its frustrating.

  25. This not only helps me in dealing with narcissists, but with everyone and everything in general.  Great advice.  Thank you.

  26. It’s a Powerful tool. I have recently used this method on a narc. Works very well and l felt In powered.😁

  27. 2:39 too true. Thank you.

  28. heeey Meredith you are more than amazing

  29. I don't think tigers dig carrots, man.

  30. Love the music in the background.. so powerful

  31. Dear Meredith,
    I don’t have any other venue to write you, but I just wanted to THANK YOU for your book, ‘The Journey’. I am only on page 24, but everything you’ve written so far has touched me deeply. Thank you for who YOU are and how much this book and your channel have helped me! More to follow…

  32. I'm happy to see that the number of people who watch narcissism video on the decline mean alot of us Is healing from our old way of being

  33. Thank you Meredith as a reminder from last year when you did a video on this subject.  It was one of your most encouraging and inspiring for me.

  34. Thank you, beautiful soul. This is quite impressing: all the info beautifuly summarized in a useful toolkit to handle the situation. Truth above all. I love it as a I appreciate all your work.

  35. Awesome vid, thanks Meredith! Gracias!!

  36. Absolutely FANTASTIC!! I did the exact same thing when the narc did her crazy making on me before the split. Reacted cool, calm and collected. Even smiled and made out not really interested, which blew her mind. Was dying for a reaction..even accusing me of being aggressive…ground your thoughts and you will ground them and their worthless assfor good. Meredith thanks once again

  37. Meredith. Is there anyway you can post a video regarding mother’s day with your narcissistic mother. Should we buy her a gift? Should we entertain her? Should we try to be kind for this one day? Please post!😀🌷

  38. Wonderful video Meridith….I’ve watched sooo many and this was short,concise and beautifully edited and the accompanying music really helped get the point across!….As you rightly said ,this is a skill for life in general and not just for when dealing with the narcissist.
    It helps us to be more grounded as opposed reactive and that is sooo empowering and actually very attractive.
    Thankyou from London 😊💕💕.

  39. can you slow this down a bit, I'm a pretty fast reader but the slides that have more words, 3-5 lines to read, it moves too fast and you have to rewind to get what that slide said!

  40. Sheers one for you. I've been at a new job for ninety days. I brought up that the sick leave is off and they need to fix it. Their response……you hired yourself, next thing we know you gave your notice and showed up here. Deflection from the real problem. Saved the texts. They hired me, not the opposite. How do these fucking people find me. I'm so done with people!

  41. Ignoring a narcissist injures their pride. Silence baffles them and increases their vexation. They will do all to provoke a response only to ease their pain.

  42. Great I need that nothing better that keep the control

  43. great guide to avoid the trap. These nercisists act always like that: searching for emotional reactions from people. Show no reaction, and it go other way. You must understand that what they do, it's not personal, their words and actions, they're not about you, but simply a tool that they use to provoke you an emotional reaction. They don't really care about what did you do, or how did you feel about what they said or did to you, they only care about your reaction so they can feel like they have power over you at any time. You must cut this action>reaction cycle with them so they will become powerless over you.

  44. Very well done 🖖…As a resource for you I am following #drjohnaking.I often watch his work on CPTSD&PTSD, you might enjoy it also. I have personally found them to be uncommonly accessible.

  45. "BRILLIANT!!!" This is EXACTLY what we all need…guiedance as to HOW to deal with the MENTAL complex shady work of the Narcissist! Thank you…

  46. I guess we are supposed to pause the video to completely read each sentence (because it is nice to actually absorb and understand the sentence you bothered to write and show us to help us, right?). Ok, sorry for the sarcasm, it's just [I think], "why make this video if you want people to rush through what you're saying"? Our attention span is not that short. If people are actually subscribing and reading/watching your videos, it seems they probably are actually interested in getting better, receiving your gift. In other words please give it a second (or two or three…). I'm NOT slow, I like to read at the speed of speaking normally. Hopefully, this is positive and constructive feedback. YOU wrote this, you know what you are talking about, your viewers don't (until after…). It should be a pleasant and helpful experience. One that I am actually very grateful for (your time). I managed to READ what you wrote but had not a second to absorb and understand it in a real-time way. Unless you include a written version, it would be helpful to slow down a bit with the fade from idea to idea… Please, and thank you, Meredith. What you do is awesome and well received.

  47. Meredith, your an amazing entity

  48. This is really useful. Thanks!

  49. I thought this technique worked for a while, but if you have CPTSD, the reactions in the body and mind are still strong, even if you control how you express them around the narcissists. If they fail to provoke, they keep trying and upping their game. After several months of ‘success’ my guard dropped for like a second, and that was all it took. The situation blew up, dissociation, emotional flashbacks, shaking, vomiting, major trauma! I felt like such a failure. What I’m trying to say is that this technique will only work in conjunction with, or after, healing the underlying emotional wounds. I had to go no contact to give myself the space to work on that, otherwise there is no possibility of being relaxed, you are always walking on eggshells. That is vigilance rather than mindfulness. I hope at some point I will be integrated enough that this technique will work for me before my parents die! It is a good practice for life in general, just not adequate for interaction with current abusers in my experience.

  50. This is awesome. Knowledge is very empowering. Will start practicing this

  51. So this is the same thing as triggers, right? Allowing them to emotionally trigger you is what they are after. Its a struggle to squeeze in between this quick moment of being triggered/reacting in order to respond properly with no response.

  52. THANK YOU so much! This is exactly what I needed to begin to get myself out what has felt like a trap. I don't know why, but for the first time, I feel some sense of hope in getting my power back. I've watched a LOT of videos on this general subject, most are about what the narcoid does, and I understand all that. This helps me think about ME, and what I can do. Thank you so much!

  53. Meredith, are you certain that your not simply reading from the narc play book?

    As a nars-sa-sist, this is basically what i started doing in the early years. After mastering what you put forth in THIS video, i look back to see i was well on my way to being the nars-sa-sist i am now.

    no…….seriously, ive watched it twice. this is EXACTLY what i did.

  54. These print videos are hard, between words being washed out by similar colored background & incessant moving pictures
    Hard to get your important messages

  55. A good summary of Meredith's teachings on this issue. I prefer to look at the video without the sound though since music always distracts me from focussing on the words in this case (which is one of the powers of music actually).

  56. Great video… I have slowed myself down a great deal and your video's have helped massively, with prayer. I've been having issues with one and controlling myself has been the best & most effective tool yet. If it's verbal assaults, I say "Do not speak to me that way", or "Do not f*cking call me that", then I go silent on him; before he kept asking what's wrong as if he cares, or really listens. He has taken me down Fake Care Lane before and things always got worse afterwards (the devaluation). Before I could successfully do this, I had to come to terms with myself about who and what he is, I had to deem that everything he says is a lie, or form of manipulation to control me later. I had to also ignore the pull in my own spirit to want too be a mender, because I realize that if he is given anymore time he'd cause total ruination. I have to remind myself of the other instances I've done this and how it turned out, which caused my emotions to be out of control, because I attached myself through what I did to mend back to the insanity. Hopefully I will be out of this nightmare soon (1 1/2 yrs of this madness), by him leaving my home; this is one lesson that will not be forgotten. Thank you Meredith for the help, right now I have limited funds or I'd do the Skype thing; I recently left my job from overwhelming stress at work, then home and it was taking its toll on my body. The videos are a great help!

  57. You rock sister thank you

  58. Thank you….Thank you….Thank you for telling me what I knew already, deep within my soul! God bless you

  59. I'm having a really hard time paying attention to your video. The music is overly dramatic, images are constantly changing and telling different stories, so it's hard to grasp what you're trying to explain.

  60. Another great post! Thank you…more love to you 😊

  61. Brilliant video!! Thank you so much for this

  62. What an awesome video!!! Its so clear! I love your videos but this is one of the best I’ve seen! I’m saving it to my playlist!

  63. This is so needed! I hope you create more videos like this! Its clear and concise. It might sound strange but it feels like you are training warriors in battle. The strength I have got from this video, I cannot measure. Its helped me so much! I didn’t expect that I would put a second comment to this , but it merits it! All I can say is: more of where that came from please. You are a blessing!

  64. Lovely encapsulation. Thank you, Meredith.
    Please could you give a lot of examples of reactions versus responses to the same stimulus.

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