Parenting Advice For The Difficult Child/Parenting Tips to Get Your Child to Listen

Parenting Advice For The Difficult Child/Parenting Tips to Get Your Child to Listen

How can I get my child to listen to me how beautifully you two families to a
Romano here to break through life coaching I want to say thank you to all
of my wonderful YouTube followers you’re just freaking awesome and I love the
comments and I’ll of the questions that you guys send me in the comments section
it’s awesome I had a youtuber ask me a question about
children because she knows we have a lot and she wants to know how can i get my
child to listen to me so apparently she’s been following my
work and she likes my advice and this is this channel is about my advice and and
I try to help people see things from a different perspective because you know
we can’t walk around life with an ants perspective not gonna work you know what happens to answer they get
stepped on dear ones and they live underground and they have one purpose
message to collect food light – so often so many of us live life
thinking that this perspective our perspectives the only productive and we
feel like we are the center of the universe and we’re not well I guess from our perspective we are
but if you imagine you know how many seven billion I mean how many people are on this
planet these days but billions of people on the planet imagine every single
person on the planet has there and like perspective and they think they’re the
center of the universe so it’s just really really interesting
so I want to open up your mind a little bit so on for those of you who know my story you
know I woke up to the idea that I was dependent many years ago I got a divorce
and I did a lot of stupid things as a nun recovered codependent and I mean a
lot of mistakes with my children especially my first child you know so i have to share what I’ve
learned and i am really really appreciative that so many of you
appreciate what I’ve learned and so one of the things that I used to do with my
son was and actually in with myself as I always pointed out what this poor kid
was doing wrong very much the way I dealt with myself you know I would look in the mirror and
I would you know just just stare at my stomach because you know my stomach was
not flat and I would stare at you know one pimple that I had on my face or I
would stare at the one hair that was at a place and you know i would look around
my house and I wouldn’t see what what area of the house was actually cleaned
up I would only see the three toys that were near the couch and they weren’t in
the right place and God forbid Queen Elizabeth house on a friday afternoon at
three o’clock and saw these three boys that were not enjoyed basket I’m gonna live like a crazy person
seriously what I was raised by a crazy person seriously my mom was a while love you
mom but she was a clean freak and my father was a money freak and
everything was about control control control control control so I was raised
they picked out everything that was wrong about me from their perspective we all know now
that we’re all divine and were all perfect and they nothing wrong with us
really seriously except for a dysfunctional childhood programming and
people that do not nice things are people that away below the veil of
consciousness and a very far removed from their divinity they don’t know that they’re divine and
the if you imagine your divinity is your right to the worst things that a person
does in their life morally considering morally that just
means the further they are from their light and the dark and they are in their
subconscious programming which is really sad so we don’t need to know that and so we
were raised by people who are very critical of us and so we raise our
children and we point out what they do wrong all the time so my son my poor kid
man I you know I want to do over you know I want to do over as a mom he
would come over for come home from kindergarten and you know he had very
poor handwriting and I didn’t know at the time and he was having a visual
problem and his his hand his if the larger was on the left hand side
of the page my son would write on an angle and i would say they have no
that’s not good you have to do that over do it over draw start next the line and
i would rip out his homework if he didn’t do it next to the line I realize now because I understand the
pain vs pleasure principle of the brain I realize now that I was I was helping
my son associate pain with doing his homework
and when a child associate spain with doing their homework guess what you have
you have a brain that is resistant to learning you have a brain that’s
resistant to sitting down and doing homework we’re actually reinforcing the exact
consequence we’re trying to avoid but we don’t know that no one tells us this
stuff we have kids and by the way there should be disclaimers on you know like a
demo on condoms or something I don’t Healthy Parenting Tips know but people should know how
difficult it is to raise a child and I am a coach that helps children come to
terms with their wounds of childhood so the mothers and fathers are going to
get blamed you know for messing up the children so it behooves us to learn as
much as we can about raising our children and and understanding as much
as we can about what our child needs and arming ourselves with tools that will
make us more effective parents so when we are picking out the things
about our children’s homework let’s say or the things about the way that they
look they don’t brush their teeth they don’t comb their hair you know boys go through that is very
very natural way to get a girlfriend and all changes they don’t clean their room
they don’t want to clean their room their little they associate pain with
stopping playing video games and cleaning up there a room so for those of you who don’t really
follow my work and you don’t understand my work around the pain vs pleasure
principle in the brain essentially it goes like this the brand has a default setting its pain
vs pleasure so creator source in His infinite wisdom has created this guidance system
and what we do as human beings is our brain is built to avoid pain and seek
pleasure so the brain also flags traumatic events
is painful and the brain wants to remember what was painful so that the brain can avoid it in the
future this is the problem though when we have
let’s say a child who I just had this incident with someone in my coaching
program who i’m paraphrasing but her son forgot to take out the garbage ok so that she took out the garbage to
the curb and then her response was I have to discipline him you know I have to make sure he knows
this was wrong blah blah blah blah blah blah and I understand that’s what most
parents do your child is supposed to do something they don’t do it and then we
criticize them for not doing it and then they feel judged and guess what happens
in their brain they’re associating pain with taking out the garbage and the
brain is going to want to avoid the pain of this experienced anything that has to
do with the garbage is going to be flagged as a as a painful experience
more than likely the kid is not going to remember to take out the garbage because
the brain is designed to avoid this pain already drama or trauma around this
garbage so the best thing that you can do is
create a system get a little clever new ones where the where the adults with the
adults we have to be the clever ones so the best event best advice I can
offer you and I learned this a little too late with my oldest son fun trying
to make up for it with the younger two children and even today you know he’s an
adult now I still try to to use this pay attention
to what they do right and praise what they do right I wrote down we don’t make our kids
better by pointing out what’s wrong with them because what happens is when we try
to make our children better by pointing out what’s wrong with them guess what all they do in their head is
they we download them to pay attention to
what’s wrong with them so when our children get – 3.6 average in college that’s not good enough because all he
can see you’re all she can see is the fact that you can get a four point out
or getting a four point out so we have to be very very careful I do believe that using the pain vs
pleasure principle to our advantages as as parents is very useful so you want to become super aware
superconscious you don’t want to look like an answer you want to be in a
higher perspective and you’ve got to understand what it is you want from your
child so if you want him to brush his teeth we
say something to our child like you know my teeth feel so good and just brush
them you know you you start to use the idea Associated pleasure with brushing teeth
on then you can say that if you notice that he does brush his teeth you say I’m
wow you know you take one awesome what you do you know he brushes teeth
but then he says I brush my teeth wow they look great now we are
associating pleasure with brushing our teeth if your child does not want to do the
dishes on you know what you what you can say is if let’s say you ask them to
please help you with the dishes and they help you with the dishes now they’re not
doing it on their own you actually ask them to help you and not helping you what you want to say as well mommy
really loves it when you help me doing the helmet to the dishes you know it’s time for us to talk or you
know I just feel really loved and appreciated that you you know you think that I’m not valuable
to help me do the dishes that means a lot to me you associate praise with doing the
dishes that’s pleasure the brain wants to move towards pleasure you know
everything that your child does right you don’t want to be fully about it you
know if your kid’s strikes out of baseball don’t be the moment is put your Jonny
good job in authentic the kids shrug out what do you want to stay to johnny is I
know you gave it your best shot it sucks that you struck out you want to
validate little Johnny’s experience it’s not his fault you know it’s not a it’s
not the end of the world but we want it we want to acknowledge that this child
is having a real life experience of a feeling disappointed and let his team
down so when I talk about praising your child
you don’t want to come off an authentic disingenuous children can smell it they know you’re full of crap so your
praise has to match their behavior so your kids I have a big issue on this
house you know I put things I put those
sneakers on the staircase for a reason I want them to bring it up to their
rooms and I say that with all the time did you not see your stickers on the
circuit today my daughter said well they’re not mind I’m like it doesn’t
matter you’re going upstairs like I don’t get it but then I caught
myself and I said what I would really appreciate it if you brought your sister
shoes up there that makes me so happy so I hope this makes sense we have to
really be careful so many times we as as as human beings
we think that the right thing to do to get people do to do what we would like
them to do is to point out that they’re not doing it that they’re not doing what
you want them to do but all that does is reinforce the
negative so we have to be more clever we have to be more awake we have to be
on we have to come from a higher perspective we have to understand the
pleasure principle we have to minimize the the things that we criticize about
our children and then increase what praise when it comes to getting our
children to do the kinds of things you want them to do so when your child picks
their socks up off the floor you have to acknowledge that you know if
your child makes half a bed we have to acknowledge that you know
when I was a kid no matter what I did it wasn’t good enough you know it i didn’t vacuum the line
straight enough in the carpet ok you know I didn’t whatever I just whatever whatever I
attempted to do it just wasn’t quite good enough and now I know thank the Lord but now I know whenever I
ask any of my kids to do anything praise him for any attempt that they
make because I want them to help me more in the future you know um and I don’t want to argue
with them and I want to make them getting kids to listen responsible I want them to understand the
responsibility when you live with more than one person you have a
responsibility to all the people in the home but anyway thank you so much for
asking me what I think about how you can get your child to help you around the
house more without so many problems without so so many arguments so try to
associate pleasure with the task that you ask them to do and when you ask them
to do a task and they do it associate pleasure with that task and try to avoid
not picking out what’s wrong in your opinion try to shut shutty try
not to make a big deal out of little things remember pick your battles the other thing to remember is that
we’re constantly downloading our children so if you constantly criticized your
child and they end up feeling that they’re not good enough that becomes their emotional set . they
really will walk through life feeling like I’m not good enough and you love
your children you don’t want them to feel that way and they really will walk
through life looking in the mirror and they won’t see how beautiful they are or
how fit they are or how perfect they are just the way they are they won’t see any
of that you only see a perceived flaw because we have taught them to pay
attention to some receipts perceived flock and even if there’s something
about our child that we need to address and i’m not talking about serious issues
here i’m talking about cleaning and brushing the teeth than helping out with
the dishes just doing homework those types of things I’m not talking
about mine you know but even with lying you know if your child tells you the
truth you could raise your child telling the truth even if your child comes to
use his mom you know you know I I told you a lie the other day you know
listen to what they’re saying and then just that I really do appreciate that
you told me the truth if you if you react strongly to a child that tells you
my life what will happen is you’ll associate
pain with coming to tell you the truth and so when that happens it’s going to
be hard for your child to tell you the truth next time even if they want to because in their
brand now the brain has been flag this telling the truth as an emotional event
which has brought him or her pain so i raising healthy children hope this video has helped to win over a
little bit more than I thought it would but I wanted to address that youtube
comment today so thank you so much not mistaken one and I am bowing to the
love and the light in you

Comments (27)

  1. Thank you Lisa, you're such an inspiration for me! I love listening to your practical advice and implement it into my life.

  2. I am so happy to leave the first comment on this.
    I am currently a single mom
    with five kids who was married to an abusive narrsicist. I went to parenting classes while married but found it so difficult to meet my the needs of my children when maintaining my sanity was a challenge. Now I am in a much better place. My kids had walked all over just like their dad while I was married. Thankfully they are still young and I am slowly becoming more confident as a parent. The advise in this video especially the point to acknowledge and praise the positive is so important.
    We, recovering codependents, did not receive praise as kids. Receiving praise is still uncomfortable for me but my kids need those positive messages to develop a healthy self image.
    Watching your videos has helped me repair my boundaries and process everything I went through that led me to be in this position.
    I find it so easy to learn from you. Your light shines through.
    Thanks for being part of my journey.
    and Thanks

  3. Great question. Thank you Lisa for sharing your trials, errors and successes among your children, with us. I treasure all of your content but here I am finally commenting because I'm feeling so appreciative. I'm newly wed with my first 1 year old. The substance you share, non-stop inspires me to non-stop swell with my family 🙂 Thank ya, love ya

  4. I think you are wonderful. You are seriously an angel on this earth. I'm 26 years old, and I've binge watched all your stuff and have had my spiritual awakening with my narcissistic mother. I don't have any children yet, my heart is happy to know that I can learn new ways to raise them. The last thing I want to do is raise them like my mother raised me. Thank you again for everything that you do, know that your pain that you have suffered here on earth was NOT a waste. You are an angel.

  5. Thanks Lisa – great video – I can relate to the sneakers on the steps – lol………

  6. Great advice! Thank you!

  7. (this is long) I don't want to judge but something caught my ear. You spoke about having a 3.6 GPA and that not being "good enough". I went back to college at 28 years of age, and I cannot tell you how many young adults were running under the "perfectionism" template. They punish themselves for not earning a 100% or 100% plus the bonus points! Everything was stress because of the need to be #1, or perfect at everything. I didn't understand, but now I kind of do.As a single mother of one, it made my stomach turn to see them operate in that way.                      Slowly but surely I came to this realization that you speak of in this video and I am trying my hardest with my little one to point out the positives. She used to not want to clean up because I'd get upset. Then, I started making a game of cleaning up like a game of "toss the toys in the box" or if we clean up fast we get to read an extra book at bedtime, and I try to switch it up. Then, one day, I had to go into the kitchen and she had the entire floor covered with toys…only to come back and find them all put away and she was sitting there with a big smile on her face. I didn't even ask her to do it, I couldn't believe it!!!!                                                                       It works!I just never was aware enough to utilize this with her emergent reading practice, handwriting, counting, etc. She starts kindergarten this year, and I cannot thank you enough for bringing this to the forefront of consciousness. (I dunno why this came out wonky, lol)

  8. Awesome Lisa as usual. Growing up with narc parents who still point out the negative, I think I did a pretty good job with my kids. I always try to be mindful, but I'm not perfect. I used to be the same way about the house .. Queen Elizabeth. Haha! I can so relate to your oldest son because I had so many thoughts like that myself about my son. I also remember him writing at an angle when he was little, not perfect, but I tried to bite my tongue..I do it too sometimes.. he's a lefty. When I asked him about it he said he couldn't see the board very well. Had his eyes checked, needed glasses. Son now 18, daughter 10, going through this crazy-ass divorce, I always try to consciously point out the good things because I do understand the pain vs. pleasure principle . Sadly I don't have control when they're with their dad. I caught my daughter fibbing to me lately about something silly..fear of repercussions with her dad or for attention? I've told her you can always tell me the truth. If you start to fib, it gets bigger because you have to cover it up, and she said, Let's just have a do-over Mommy and pretend that didn't happen. I said Okay sweetheart. Thank you thank you thank you. You're the best ♡

  9. My mother is a covert narcissist and I had a hard time getting over my childhood. My goal is to try my best with my girls, so they don't have to suffer through that. I think the key is to listen and care for their feelings as they happen, so they can move on and not have to bottle those feelings for the future.

  10. my daughter and I sat down together and I let her tell me how much each hygienic task and chore is worth to her. we agreed on each thing and wrote out a contract and chore chart. there is a key at the bottom that has TB =teeth brushed, WH = washed hair, CR= cleaned room, etc. well to her the WH is worth $5 and one of the highest paid items on her chart! the chart is drawn on a poster board to look like a calendar. we have a tally at the end of each week. I let her hang it on the wall where its easy to get to. the grit of the whole thing is that I don't get upset over her chart stuff and typically she brushes her teeth more often than when there are was no chart. she gets paid once a week and I let her do whatever she wants with her money. it is a win win I think and its worth the $10 to $20 a week because it makes my part easier and she gets a toy! I enjoyed the scenes on this video! loved the pictures too! thank you for sharing your wisdom and for being authentic! you are going to directly impact little kids because of this video! I love you Lisa! xoxo

  11. Thanks again, Lisa…..I have no kids….maybe one day….but your message is so relevant in our dealings with so many other people also, like employees for instance…And once again, it shines a light on our own childhoods, and helps us understand why things happened….And the same principles apply to training animals too…But I was always criticised by my family when I drew parallels between bringing up kids and training animals, so I feel anxiety just saying it, even though it is correct.

  12. Thank you Lisa. This really helps to clear things up for me about fearing doing tasks. I need to reparent that traumatised part of me that associates pain with this. Do you think this could be a factor in causing dyslexia or dyscalculia (the numbers version of dyslexia)? I remember maths homework caused particular drama growing up and my brain tends to freeze when I try to process numbers.

  13. I need to get my doctor to help me…. Yes…see the good in people/kids. Inspire/encourage them instead of point out faults.

  14. Thank you sooooo much for this video!!!

  15. I really wish that one day every high school would have a mandatory DBT class once a week for Sophmore and Juniors. I say those 2 grades due to the fact that alot of Seniors either drop out or they already have taken alot of the mandatory classes and its the last year so alot is already going on for them so this could actually help them Its really sad that from Kindergarten to Seniors we have all these classes that does not really help in our adult life example would be
    P.E Which is intended to teach us about the effects of not eating healthy and getting excercise which I never recall any of my teachers discussing how excercise can lower depression and raise the chemicals in your brain that can help u out mentally cuz if this class actually worked why do we as a culture worry about Heart desiease caused by unheathy earing habits or why we even worry about obesity which in my opinion the studies are blown out of proportion either way this class does not do what it is intended to do. another one would be
    Social Studies. which is intended to teach us about history, humanities, and if this class actually worked how much racism and adult/college/child Bullying would actually be happening?
    its funny they will teach us needless information when we will only access it like 10% of the time. then they teach only 10% of the information the children really need or could be really helpful. I like DBT cuz it teaches how to control emotions, interpersonal relationships, what to do instead of using the blue print you were tought by your family. I came from a really messed up family I am 36 and just know finally able to see excately why I think or do what I do. and for alot of children this could actually be a turning point to where we are able to lower high school drop out rates, prison populations, murder rates, Domestic Violence, chemical dependancy, co-dependancy cuz DBT can help out with all of those issues to include depression.
    Ok Just my Rant for the night love your work😀

  16. as far as the baseball reference I always told my daughter Great job as long as she swung and struck out and on the times she never swung I told her well you will get another chance and maybe we need to make sure you get more batting practice

  17. Thanks for this video!! It came at the right time….I was becoming more and more concerned with how I parent my three year old. I really want her to not have the issues I had and am dealing with now.

  18. If I would often mention that my daughter actions make me happy or make me feel good, wouldn't it make her dependent and people pleasing ?

  19. Thank you so much for advices !!!

  20. What about a child whose praise/pleasure doesn't work??? He really doesn't care. N matter how kind, in the moment he may like it but there is no way he'll do it again. His dad is a narc and has downloaded a lot of faults in him and desensitized him by spanking too often for stupid reasons. He only sees his dad maybe one weekend a month now, but he is so far gone. Acknowledging every little thing he does or half way does he immediately sees as ..ok I can do whatever I want for the next week…. he is nearly10 and every day with him is hard.

  21. Hi Lisa this has helped me so much thank you.

  22. Thanks it was very helpful to me please post more.

  23. Motherhood comes with its ups and its down, but there’s honestly nothing more rewarding. Eight months ago I gave birth to my second child – a beautiful baby boy that we named Mason. He changes so much every day! There’s nothing that gives me more pleasure than raising him and watching him grow. If I had one teeny tiny complaint though, it would be that I wish he would stop saying, “This human form is limiting"

    At 8 months he’s already crawling and eating finger food. The doctors even say he’s in the top 10% for intelligence in his age group! I’m more proud of him than I ever thought possible, and every day with him is a gift. Though, and it’s not a big deal, I’d really love if he would stop commenting on the “Frailness and transience” of human beings as a race. His words, not mine.

    Don’t get me wrong, I love my son. He’s my absolute pride and joy. I have high hopes for his future! But am I a monster for wishing he wouldn’t stare into his baby monitor and laugh the deep throaty chortle of a 2,000 year old succubus while showing me the whites of his eyes? Truly, “Loving your child for who they are” isn’t always as easy as it sounds.

    Once, I woke up in the middle of the night and decided to check on him. He was sitting up in his crib muttering in a language I couldn’t understand (thanks to eight years of Catholic school, I was able to make out a few words in Latin). Then, when he caught me watching him he exclaimed, “Human mother, I am glad you are here, I need milk from your breasts.” Just some of the curveballs parenthood throws at you, I guess!

    I imagine that most mothers go through phases like this – I can’t be the only Mom who sometimes worries about her son’s unusually high interest in how long the human brain can survive without oxygen.

    I mean, it’s normal not to share interests with your children – they truly are their own beings! For example, my oldest daughter Cassie is seven and she loves softball, but neither my husband nor I are athletic. So, I don’t think Mason’s sudden interest in writing his name in blood on the walls should bother me.

    I’m probably just overreacting. My son is gifted, and that’s a blessing. Most children want video games or electronics for Christmas and Mason just asked for an adult ram. I think we’ve got a future veterinarian on our hands!

  24. always on point. I love you.

  25. Thank you once again Lisa. Your insight and guidance is much appreciated.

  26. Thankyou, needed to hear this as I was doing what my mum did, she too was a clean freak 🙂

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