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Kati Morton on Dealing with Toxic Parents (Reaction and Commentary about Boundaries)


what is up everybody this is Chris from
the rewired soul where we talk about the problem but focus on the solution and if
you’re new to my channel my channel is all about mental health so if you’re
into that kind of stuff make sure you subscribe and bring that notification
bell I’m actually live streaming right now but I told everybody in the chat
that we were going to watch the Kati Morton video together this is a good one
I actually just I’m uploading a video as we speak about dealing with my alcoholic
mother so I don’t know I thought this would be fun I’m just gonna do a
commentary on Kati morons new video about dealing with toxic parents maybe
talk about what I agree with disagree with whatever we’ll see how this goes
and I might be replying to the chat to in here so that’s what she’s got some
jams going hey everybody happy Thursday today we’re going to talk about toxic
parents Before we jump into that are you new to my channel welcome I put out
videos on Monday Thursday so make sure you’re subscribed and have those
notifications turned on so that you don’t miss out well let’s get in this
important topic Katie’s like really cheery I I
appreciate that about her it’s like that’s not my that’s not my style like I
like she probably is that you know that cheery though I’m sorry Katie that I
pause on this part because I’ve received a question and it says hey Kati I have a
really difficult time with my parents and I’m just not really sure if you can
shed some light on how to deal with parents that are so toxic and I’ve
gotten this question from a lot of people because a there are parents and
beat by the way real quick this for everybody in the live stream or anybody
who watches I want to start doing this on my patreon like if any of you in here
or one of my like 25 patreon supporters or no not 25 by like 11 or like give me
questions on patreon these some time to live with them and see it makes it
really difficult and we also love them and it’s just so complicated but I have
a lot of helpful tips and we’ll hopefully get you to a healthier and
happier place and maybe even make the relationship better and my first tip is
to get into therapy and I know that may not be available to all but I’ve also
have done some videos in the past with better help it’s a great resource online
for therapy so that’s something that if you
that’s another way to gain access to therapy but also if you’re in a school
program you can go to your school counselor and they can refer you to
someone or if you are an adult and have a job a lot of them have HR departments
and you may have an EAP it’s called an Employee Assistance Program which offers
free therapy or you can call your insurance and get a list there’s a lot
of ways to get there I don’t feel like it’s impossible don’t feel like it has
to be expensive a lot of therapists will work on a sliding scale but it’s just
really vitally important that we get into therapy so that we have a place to
get and to talk about all that we may be going through and most importantly to
get some support in it so like that’s good see this is this is why like this
is why like I made that video about Katie Morgan and ethics and stuff and
like like she’s good like she’s like me I’m sorry again Katie for pausing on a
weird face of yours anyways like that like she she’s in the same place where I
am we’re like I don’t care where you get help just go get help you know so like
we’ll promote better help if that’s an option for you if you feel like that’s
your best option my lovely girlfriend who is in the live stream right now she
doesn’t have health insurance better help gave her a sliding scale but
even if you’re not working with better help ask a therapist like Katie just had
on her screen and to mention I honestly work in a sliding scale like the
treatment center I’m about to start working with or I am working with now
like they have discounts of sliding scales like we want to help people but
we also gotta keep the lights on so I appreciate Katie for doing that but yeah
you need somebody to talk to about this stuff and process like and this is for
all of you it’s for all of you who follow my channel and stuff like I do my
best I do my best to try to reply to all of you and talk to all of you and have
personal time with all of you but I’m only one person like the goal of my
channel is to provide you with tools and resources that you can use like I want
to teach you how to improve so like I can’t be all of your counselor or
therapists or whatever so I try to guide you to resources so I make that clear
with anybody I work with like don’t only rely on me like you need somebody who
can be there for you regularly I know a lot of people just say hey get into
therapy it’s really important but but just hear me out for a minute and I’ll
tell you kind of why I believe it is so important
I think therapy helps because the relationship is different than any other
relationship we’ve had the relationship that we have a therapist is one-sided
which a normal life isn’t healthy but in therapy it is so vitally important to
making therapy work because the therapist is putting that whole hour or
two hours a week or what however long you see them towards you and
understanding you which means you get to tell the story from your perspective and
there’s no one judging you and there’s no one saying no that’s not how I
remember happening or I don’t know your mom actually seems pretty nice when I
see her no one’s back talking you yeah no one has any perspective the therapist
only knows what you tell them and that can be really healing not to mention
that a therapist isn’t going to yell at you they’re not going to lash out there
it’s not a scary place it’s not a romantic thing it’s it’s a very benign
healthy happy conversation that you can have in this safe space free from any
judgment or anger and I know yeah like this is something that a lot of people
don’t understand like you know like it’s so important to get an unbiased point of
view like this therapist has no ties like I get a lot of people who say like
oh whoa I have my friends or I have my sister or brother or whoever it is like
if they know that other person to have a relationship with that person it can go
one of two ways either they over agree with you or they don’t agree with you
right but if era pissed or like what I try to
do I try to take in the information from a completely objective place and say
okay what can we do you know what I mean so like like Katie mentioned they a
therapist isn’t going to be like oh you know your mom seems really nice so this
seems really kind my mom does amazing family therapy sessions but yeah I just
really that’s why I like what Katie does um because I don’t know if she has a
private practice anymore but I guarantee she has helped thousands and thousands
and thousands and thousands and thousands if not millions of people just
at least make the step to go get therapy and like that’s what I aspire to do know
that that seems really crazy but if any of that’s happening in therapy for
therapist is angry or anything like that I think that’s a
bad thing I have a whole video I’ll link in the description about how to know
you’re seeing a bad and a good therapist so we make sure you get put with the
right one but if you’re watching this sorry again Kati like yeah yeah like
Katie see Katie’s transparency says there’s
good about therapists right that’s what I keep telling you guys I really want to
kelabra Katie but I’m not big enough for her to care about me yet I got my only
resentment towards Katie but I get it I get it Katie
one day katie is gonna come knocking on my door to like chris we need a collab
let’s talk about alcoholic parents let’s talk about traumatic childhoods let’s
talk about addiction Katie’s gonna come to me but if any of you guys want to
help feel free to tweet adder therapy can be healing because that relationship
is different and so just trust me when I say it’s really important and I honestly
believe therapy can help any of us but if we have a really toxic parent or even
just a toxic family environment having a space that is ours where we can talk
about how we feel and how these things are affecting us can be really really
healing so I encourage you do it today reach out speak up and get the help that
you need and deserve and my second tip is set and uphold boundaries now I know
a lot of you are gonna say hey my parents won’t respect them a little step
over them and it’s not even worth doing it’s always worth doing and here’s why
boundaries in a perfect world would be something that we’d be able to
communicate to another person and they would respect it and they would uphold
them with us and they would understand it in a toxic environment it’s important
because it protects us as the person setting up the boundary let’s say we
have a really abusive whether it’s emotionally physically sexually doesn’t
matter a parent in our life we’re just toxic just coming in and telling us
shitty things about ourselves which really emotional abuse by the way but if
they come into a room and do that to us maybe we study at a friend’s house maybe
we stay at the library at school I would limit the amount of time that you spend
at home and then I would look into maybe getting a lock on my door if it’s okay I
don’t want you to be in an unsafe I don’t want to create a more unsafe
environment see and god damnit Katie quit making these faces all right Katie
sorry oh I talked with my clients about this all
the time all of the time like I tell people like I tell people all the time
I’m like yo cut that person out or you got to quit talking to your mom you got
to quit talking your dad you gotta quit talking to your brother your sister your
best friend whoever it is they’re like but I can’t but I can’t just stop
talking to them I’m like the hell you can’t like what do you mean you can’t of
course you can like the but then I try to get down to the root of it like
you’re you’re worried or you have this this idea in your head that you have to
have a certain relationship with them I talked about this in my new video
about forgiving my alcoholic mom I had to quit talking to her for a few months
to protect myself and feel myself and begin to repair our relationship I
needed that boundary in that distance so yeah like I get really real when I talk
about this stuff I tell people the hell you can’t cut
somebody out of your life I don’t care if it’s your mom
your dad I don’t care if it is your child okay you have to set up boundaries
sorry that’s a rant I’m really adamant about
boundaries and maybe I’ll make a video about it
for you like physically or emotionally but I would spend the least amount of
time around them and I would try to communicate as much as you can to what
you know safe is for you but that you you know wish that they would talk to
you this way or it’s really hard for me to communicate with you when you yell or
whatever you can say to start letting them know what’s okay and not okay for
you and I know that that doesn’t work in every scenario but boundaries are always
important even if the boundary is I’m not going to be at home for more than
two hours at a time unless I’m sleeping because it’s just too much for me yeah
or I know when that one parent gets home and I can leave I can I can join that
one club that meets at that time and that will get me out I mean there’s a
lot of things that we can do to minimize our time if we don’t live at home it can
be I’ll only talk to my mom or dad whatever parent it is when it’s on my
terms and so I’m not gonna ever pick up the phone when they call it’s only when
I call and that’s just a boundary I’m gonna set up because when they call
they’re always yelling I don’t know what it is but you’re gonna have to take some
time to recognize what is upsetting to you because
boundaries our body tells us when someone’s boundaries usually makes us
really uncomfortable we can get really rigid or we can like shrink down it can
we can physically feel when a boundaries crossed and so I’d start yeah there’s a
good photo of you Katy um but yeah this is really important to
like this is my therapy so important is why I love making content is why I love
Katy making content like it’s really weird how the human brain works like
there’s something called motivational interviewing right where you help you
help guide the person to bring their to get their own conclusions about the
situation but I can’t tell you how many times how many times I’ve brought up an
idea to somebody and they’re like I didn’t even think about that right like
that’s why you need a therapist cuz we get so stuck in our own brain now we’re
not even thinking about this like the stuff that Kate is listing right now
I’ve talked to so many people about boundaries and they haven’t even thought
of that like having the thought of like Oh limiting my time at home and you like
to have it thought about that so man I just love I love mental health and
helping people so important start paying attention to that start noticing what it
is they do or say or what things they set in motion with other people in our
families that we find so upsetting and then I would minimize the amount of time
that you’re engaging with that kind of behavior and find ways that you can kind
of distance yourself from it and it all depends on whether you live with them or
not but you can figure it out if we don’t take care of ourselves first we’re
not gonna be able to engage with people in a loving healthy way yeah don’t let
that one person in your life take that from you it’s okay to set up healthy
boundaries and if they earn trust and respect back we can you know alter the
boundaries as needed they’re a living breathing thing that we
can change as we go but we’re gonna need to protect ourselves first and so
recognizing when they’re overstepped how we feel and then placing them and
upholding them and communicating them as much as we can whatever keeps us safe is
really important and imperative when dealing with a toxic parent so like I
know Katie’s like thing right now is toxic parents but like to kind of like
expand on what she’s saying so let’s say you’re married okay so
you’re oh I don’t know let’s use me I’m let’s say I’m I’m a husband I’m not
married let’s say I’m a husband and my toxic parents are and I don’t have
boundaries with my parents it can screw up my marriage you know what I’m saying
so I can’t be the best husband I can be because I haven’t set up boundaries with
my family members and I hope that makes sense so how can I be a good husband or
how could I be a good child how could not a child but how can I be a good
father to my child so like it’s it is so important that you get help you get help
so you can help others I’ve mentioned it in some videos recently about putting
your oxygen mask on first so you can be there for other people you know what I
mean like I did not keep plastic people in my life I absolutely do not keep
toxic people in my life because it it makes it so I cannot be of service to
other people who need me and my third tip save your money and get out if we
live with them I know that’s only pertains to if we live with our parent
but I know that a lot of you told me you do and you can’t get out save your money
and get out we have to keep ourselves safe and I know a lot of you’re like
well my siblings are still there I know this is hard you don’t have to keep
dealing with the emotional abuse or the physical abuse or just the toxicity of
your family to protect your siblings so this is this is about developing the
internal locus of control which I talked about find what you can control okay you
can go get a job you can go make money you know you can do this and this and
this now what Katie’s talking about is it is not your responsibility to save
anybody okay but going back to the last point you can’t save anybody until you
save yourself what I would recommend for anybody watching my reaction to this use
that as motivation to better yourself if you have siblings who are still in a bad
household you move out and do your thing right
go get go get your education go get a job save up money do what you have to do
so you have a situation in which you can take them with you you know so it might
take time a big issue that we have as humans is patience we’re very impatient
you know but let’s say you have a brother who’s 7
years old right they’ve done this for 7 years
so you can you can do it for another year until you have enough money saved
to take them out of that household ok but you’ve got to help yourself first
there’s no reason that both of you need to be in that house if you’re in the
position to earn some money and get out of that situation I know that’s hard but
they’re on their own and you’re on your own yes if you get out you can have them
come live with you if you can afford it but we just need to get you out and also
think about the kind of if you’re the oldest child in your family you’re like
a role model and you’re showing them that it’s ok to speak up and get out the
family life isn’t healthy because we don’t want them to think that that’s
normal and something they should strive for we want them to know it’s not okay
and so in a way by leaving we’re actually showing them that they you know
that you can be courageous you’re demonstrating all the things you’re
hoping that they will do too and so save your money get a part-time job
this could even be moving in with another family member or a friend get
out as soon as you can because the longer-run a toxic environment the
harder and harder it is for us to tear ourselves out of there and the more we
start to believe all the negative nasty things they say about us but trust me
they’re lying they just feel shitty about themselves and it’s overflowing
onto you yes you don’t have to take it so see yes hey everybody I’ve made a
video a long time ago that that the thumbnail says hurt people hurt people
right and yeah like the people who are toxic in your life and man I was able to
watch this before I made the video about my mom but you’ll see that they’re in
pain but again like Katie’s saying you don’t have to deal with that you do not
have to deal with that at all you’re nobody’s punching bag you get out of
there and you like peace out save your money get out as soon as you
can and my fourth tip is figure out what you want from the relationship you want
anybody else not what society says a relationship with a parent should be
like not what your friends have with their parents not what you’ve seen
before I want you to consider what waits girl want and what you need from that
relationship take some time I would journal I would you know go for a walk
and just think about it whatever helps get your you know your mind go
in a safe place I want you to just consider what you need and then maybe
you write a letter that you don’t send to them about how it feels to recognize
what you need from them yeah maybe that’s upsetting
maybe you’re upset about how much you timeout timeout this is for everybody
anybody who’s watching this video right now like I have people like I made a
video about relationships the other day but you need to watch or like you need
to make like an ideals list right whether it’s with your parents whether
it’s with if you’re looking for a boyfriend or a girlfriend or your
friends like write down write down in a notebook right say like this is what a
good friend looks like this is what a good father looks like this is what a
good mother looks like and then by my next step to to that that journaling
exercise damn I should make a video on that the next step towards that exercise
is then looking back at it and seeing what our realistic expectations and what
are in unrealistic expectations so for example like if you said like a good
mother is happy all of the time I’m just throwing that out there I would look
back at step 2 of this and say okay is that realistic for someone to be happy
all the time no it’s not or if the expectation is um a father should be
there for me all of the time is that realistic yes and no it can’t be there
for you a hundred percent of the time they have their own life too so that
would be a great journaling exercise so if you’re looking for a relationship or
like what Katie’s talking about with your parents and again like what she
said like what what you need right not based on what other people’s families
are like that screwed me up for many years I wanted my family to be like
other people’s families and until I let go of that and accepted my family the
way they were then I can start building on boundaries and expectations and
relationships and things like that I need from them or how little you need
from them give yourself some time to kind of process it through and recognize
this and then the second step is to take what you need and want from them and I
want you to compare it to what they’re able to give that’s actually recommend
this therapist because Katie while we got collabing together God see okay
I’m gonna I’m gonna get a little eager to go real quick and cocky but like I
have people like questioning my credentials and stuff and what you’re
seeing with the better help Fiasco and whatever like those are just pieces of
paper those are just pieces of paper I’m going to school right now to get my you
know certified alcohol and drug counselor thing like it’s just a piece
of paper that’s all it is and like it’s just a society thing and that’s that’s a
whole nother rant but like you just watch a licensed there is a family
therapist literally say exactly what I was saying to you and I’m not a licensed
Marriage and Family Therapist so I just want you to kind of gauge that and maybe
I’m just saying that because I’ve had some flack since my channels been
exploding at people like Oh any your credentials well I pretty much say the
same things that therapists do most the time but I don’t have credentials and I
I don’t want to make it seem like I know everything that they do but I just want
you to kind of think about that for a second cuz it can be really sad and it
can be really hard but it can also be something that you do on your own I
would just encourage you to take the time to do that because often we have
these expectations of what a parent should be and what it should look like
but this is what they’re able to give us but then this is what we maybe need and
so we’re gonna have to find some middle ground where there are certain things
that they are able to meet like maybe we just need to have some kind of
relationship and that means that we need to call our mom or dad like every two or
three weeks for just like 20 minutes because we just can’t cut them off we’re
gonna have to figure out where we can meet it I wish I would have watched this
video before I made mine dang like this is Katie but yeah that’s that’s really
important with setting up these expectations like what can they give in
the middle because there is gonna be that middle point it’s just gonna take
us a little while to figure it out so that’s why we start with what we need
from the relationship and then we talk we consider what they can actually give
us and we try to kind of meet in the middle in a place that feels okay where
we won’t be constantly disappointed or put in a toxic environment but we’re
also you know cultivating the relationship that’s important for us
my favorite sayings I mentioned this in a video I get a while back if any of you
guys want to check it out it’s called your expectations are killing you and
one of my favorite sayings is my expectations are inversely proportional
to my serenity so the higher your expectations are the
worse you are okay so the sadder you get the more depressed you get you have no
peace no serenity no sanity because you have these high expectations so when you
lower those and you start accepting and and realizing these are humans too and
they might not be able to give the thing that I’m trying to get you start to have
more serenity all right and just take some time it’s all about you and what
you need nobody else and my fifth and final tip it introducing new oh wait whether that is a therapist and others
my first tip was to see a therapist but that could be a therapist but I’m also
talking about other friends and other family members maybe have other family
who also agrees that that parent is a total jerk and they don’t like them
either it might be good for you to have someone where you can talk to about it
and they also know the person so it kind of gives you a little place to
commiserate about how terrible it is but if this toxic parent is an alcoholic or
a drug addict there’s also Alan on or Alateen which I have free support groups
up for family members of those who struggle who have addiction issues and
that can be really really upsetting it can just be really healing to hear
somebody else share their stories and you can see some of the similarities to
your own so like when I say we talk about the problem but focus on the
solution like it’s very healing to know that you’re not the only one going
through stuff that’s why support groups are very important like Katie mentioned
al-anon Alateen other support groups Facebook support groups are great
there’s the huddle app like it’s great to know you’re not the only one going
through it but in my opinion that only gets you so far like there’s only so
much I can just like it’s great to know other people are going through it but
then I need to start getting into a solution with the other things she
talked about with boundaries journaling they’re repeating stuff like that it can
just remind you again the alone and nothing’s wrong with you and I
know people are always scared to join groups but it can be the most healing
when it comes to addiction because addiction affects the whole family so
just make sure that you’re getting additional support whatever that can
look like for you maybe it’s groups at school maybe it’s joining
I don’t know going to meetup calm and joining on another group over there or
maybe you join like an intramural sport just make sure you have other things
going on that keep you busy keep you out of the house if you live with them and
give you new support systems new friends and people around you that you can talk
to about all you may be going through because I find overall the more we talk
about something the less power it has over us and where we keep that toxic
parent a secret and think that it speaks poorly to us the more it’s gonna affect
us and so I would just encourage you to start sharing with those who trust and
love and start talking about it more and more until it loses any of that
emotional power over you and by the way this is why you need to get rid of your
crappy friends like get rid of your crappy friends like a lot of us a lot of
us have a negative voice in our head and it comes from our toxic parents right
that we’re not good enough we’re not smart enough when I pretty enough I have
sinned enough or whatever it is you need to hang around people who aren’t
necessarily enablers but people who will build you up and say yo yo yo yo like
you’re good like don’t believe that don’t believe what they said you know
what I mean you need to get better friends who build you up to counteract
the toxic people in your life and that negative voice I’ve been put in your
head because you if you’re watching this you’re a badass just to let you know
because that’s really what the whole process in therapy is about is to get us
to talk about something and to express what’s going on without it having any
emotional charge for us and so the sooner we can start doing that the
sooner we’ll start feeling better I hope you found that helpful I know so many of
you are stuck with toxic family members and stuck in homes where you just feel
trapped but know that you’re not stuck forever and we can get you out hopefully
these tips those five tips kind of help set things up for you and give you a
perspective and some you know next steps you can take to work towards a healthier
and happier life awesome let’s freeze on Katie so
believe it right there so yeah thanks for watching um yeah I was like shooting
this I’m gonna upload this to YouTube probably now but thank you so much for
watching there’s links around here if you would like to subscribe or check
out another video on my channel and yeah if you’re watching this tweet this at
Kati Morton have been trying to collab with her for a year now and maybe so
want to collab with me alright I love all of you and I will see you very very
soon

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