Rejection. Rejection is a big word in
relationships because we feel it like a knife cutting through our heart when
someone rejects us, someone that we love, someone that we expect certain things
from, someone that either because of the pattern of our relationship we’ve come
to expect a certain response for a certain thing, or simply an unexpected
response. Whatever it might be. When we rejected we get the feeling that
there’s something wrong. We get the signal that there’s something wrong. But
if you talk to some of my patients and some of their ah ha moments they’ve had
some very interesting insights into rejection and what it’s all about. The first insight is that my partner
is not there to fulfill my needs Now it’s interesting. That’s a very, very
polarizing statement because i’ve tested that statement with various people and
various people’s opinions over the years and usually the response is well then if they’re not there to meet
my needs who is? You know, that’s why I’m in a relationship, you know. So that you
know we can meet each other’s needs. And it sounds wonderful when you say it like that. It sounds like
you care about each other right? And that thinking comes from that whole idea
that you find your other half, you know. Certain unnamed movies shall we say that
have words in them like, “You complete me.” It has this idea that here’s you and
here’s the other person and somehow you meet and you fit and now
you make one whole thing. Some of the insights that my patients
have had though around that thought, is that no one ever really completes you. If you’re going to be in a relationship, you’re really someone who is complete in
yourself and you’re looking for someone else who is complete in themselves,
because then you can truly see who each other is and then you know if you want
to go on a journey with that person and what you can expect from that relationship.
But if you go into a relationship feeling that the bits that
are missing from me I’m going to get from someone else, then you’re always
dependent on the balance of things never ever changing. And the truth is that life
tips us over many times and the balance changes many, many, many times. So if we’re dependent externally on
someone else to complete us, then every single time life changes or a challenge arises,
we will feel rejected from our other half so to speak, because we will feel like he
or she is not giving us what they should give us, given this little unspoken
contract that we have about you’re this and I’m this and together we’re this.
Given the unwritten contract that exists that suggests that I’m a half, your a half,
together we’re one. Instead of that, what some of
my clients have discovered is that if you’re one and your partner is a one, then that’s a double strength.
That’s two people together. And if they’re moving in the same direction,
then that journey is not about the unspoken contract about what we’re allowed to
take from each other but it becomes a journey about what
we’re going to give each other as we go on that journey, so that we can both arrive at the
destination that we want to get to. The agreed common destination
that we’re both fighting for and supporting each other to reach.
Let me know what you think.