Dealing with Kids

No, no Don’t you dare. Don’t do it Stop (Baby cries) There, there You good? (Baby burps) (Baby continues crying) That’s it up you go Wee! Wee! Wee! (Slam) Weeee Whoops dropped my phone (Baby vomits) *sigh* It’s no secret. I’m not the best babysitter out there in fact being a hundred percent transparent with you I’m probably one of the most Undependable people when it comes to handling kids and for your sake and everyone else’s never leave me alone with your children Okay Yikes, I know that was worded horribly. What? You think I try to speak Baby Talk that I don’t even understand Googoo, gaga, aren’t you a cutie? Poochie Poochie Pooh? Yes, you are, yes you are YES, YOU ARE Absolutely Don’t bet on it And I’ll have you know that almost every parent in the world thinks their child is a precious little angel No matter what they do and I promise you they will go ham on you if you call them out on it This is probably the main reason why some. Not all Spoiled kids nowadays can get away with just about anything Worst part is that you can’t do anything about it. Cuz you aren’t their mommy or papi I suggest you just watch it all burn thinking “This is fine” while they go around making your walls look like one of an asylum with their 120 pack Crayolas at most They’ll be told to sit in the corner without any physical Consequences and I thought people who told me they got spanked as a kid had it easy not saying anyone’s parenting style is my business Or anything, but rowdy our kids won’t be learning much from that experience well I guess it depends on each kid back then I wasn’t such a perfect little Powerpuff either mini me loved causing trouble biting my toys’ heads off and initiating panic attacks But my parents weren’t having any of it and because of certain childhood life lessons I’ve gotten very attached to my bat along with a few other items such as the belt for wearing; hanger for hanging clothes; Golf clubs for playing… for playing golf; glass cups for drinking water; frying pan for cooking; spatula for cooking with; broom for cleaning and others obviously for it’s practical life uses By the way if you didn’t get that I am NOT in any way shape or form condoning child abuse what I’m describing here is some old-fashioned discipline. Now before you go off thinking that I absolutely despise children you’re only half, right But I have to say I think I’ve gotten somewhat better with handling kids compared to a year or so ago hear me out So a few years back I’d be one of those people who became so clueless and so lost in a situation when a kid started Hysterically bawling out of nowhere there was one time in particular I remember when I was asked to watch over This kid sweet little thing, but then she started screeching like pterodactyl Gave me a massive brain shock with her on the verge of popping her little head off What is it? What’s wrong? What do you want? Is it memes? Are memes what you want? Here! Take it! Talk to me kid for the love of God!
Your memes suck by the way. Suck! And it’s not as if I could just duct tape her mouth three times around and tape her to the wall oh No, no no no if only it were that easy This is one of those situations that would amplify your stress levels by 200% Especially when you realize you’re in a public area turns out This kid just wanted her mom if I had to evaluate myself on how I handled that situation. It was no doubt piss-poor It’s like when you see a tornado coming your way And you attempt to stop it by putting your hand out and saying “No” absolutely ridiculous It’s about as effective as a fish trying to drown itself underwater you think that tornado is gonna listen to you It’s gonna be like, “Out of my way, you ain’t my mom.” “I don’t fuck with peasants.” “I could break your house in two seconds” Oh wait, I fucked up, you’re already homeless It’s gonna get closer and louder regardless Because there’s no force strong enough to stop it Obviously kids aren’t nearly as powerful as one of them tornadoes But they can really suck the energy out of you fast if you don’t show him who’s boss If you want to get any point across with kids going mental you got to sit their little asses down tell them you ain’t playing Games look I’m straight in the eye and use your mango gecko whatever Tell them to stop whining and find out what’s wrong if they don’t listen Let’s say the third time around and continue making ear-bleeding tantrums, then you’re just not scary enough It’s time to pull out the bat and of course go to the park to play baseball with them now how about a situation where you’re looking after more than one kid? Let’s say you’re taking care of five of them. Oh fuck me! My mind hurts just thinking about it Do you know how difficult it is to have your eyes coordinate their every movement How the hell do preschool teachers do it? One second They’ll be standing there the next you blink once and they’re gone Panic cuz you’re their problem now, if they get stuck on top of a monument enter some shady neighborhood get food poisoning From eating moldy bread guess who’s gonna be blamed for it. That’s right. Not me I’m out. Is what I would say if I was an irresponsible adult Which I’m not. Kids. Let’s get something straight here The grown-ups play peek-a-boo with you never the other way around fortunately from recent experiences I found ways to make these kids settle down IPad Throw and IPad at them hard enough, and they’ll be knocked out instantly guaranteed All right, fine. Distract them with a fun game on there like the one where you flick the birds to break the construction sites The one where you cut fruits with your finger crushing candies or the one where carrots and peas kill zombies and with that you won’t believe how glued to the screen they become Nap Time Here let me show you how this works. You spray this magical substance on one of them noisy kids and then boof! tada Simple, right? It’s basically chloroform. Yeah Scary stories Once upon a time, dabbing was dead No, actually thinking about it now, it died a while ago And finally let’s talk about a lot of the older kids of this generation whose vocabulary consists of Memes I remember passing by my old middle school last year and saw some kids dabbing all over the place Dab on the haters. Dab on the haters. Dab on the haters Definitely Jake Paulers Guess dabbing didn’t die after all of course at that age Children tend to be more easily influenced by the things they’re exposed to. Back then I was easily influenced too So I can’t point any fingers This time, but I won’t lie I’m pretty envious of how carefree kids can be. They’ll test your patience But they never stress over as much as you would guess in that aspect. We wish we were them Thanks for watching! Subscribe to TheOdd1sOut. Just kidding, subscribe to Tabbes.

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