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Dealing with Kids’ Tantrums

Dealing with Kids’ Tantrums


– Hello and welcome to
yet another Maggie Moment in response to even more
messages and concerns I’ve had from some parents
lately about extended tantrums. Not so much for our
two to three year olds, to our older children
and some of those are in families where parents
are really worried that they are damaging things around them and damaging their siblings. So, I need to unpack that for a moment. What is going on there? Once again, children are still learning how to manage those things. Now, human relationships are
quite complex for all of us. So, when we have a child
who has started a pattern of doing something that’s
hurtful, sometimes I have, I’ve worked out it starts as a bit of a game that gets a bit skewed left. So, we encourage our kids
to be strong and confident so sometimes they
misinterpret that message and so if they aren’t getting
look strong and confident, they will often push or hurt
another child to get that. The next one is that lower
brain, the downstairs brain, once again, versus the upstairs brain. So, what’s happening with
children who are doing these sorts of performances,
it isn’t like the two year old tantrum
which is often a meltdown from the lower brain
because I just can’t cope I’m just gonna discharge a
lot of energy out of my body. What’s happening is, I’m
not getting one of my needs met that’s quite big and the
only way that I get that, I think, get it met is for me
to go off in this massive bit so it’s actually got a
little planning in it and it’s got a little bit more intention and this is just, once
again, a pattern of behavior that has now been learned that
it gets them certain results and we’ve got to look at
what is it they’re wanting and what unmet need might be
existing in that child’s world. I’m gonna start with a big
one because I was a bit of a pop of a kid, I was a
bit of a nasty little puppet tongues because I had the
perfect sister above me and all I really wanted
was love and connection and it’s very difficult to
give love and connection to a child who’s just messed your house up or belted or bit your sister. So, if you look at that
once again, the primary need of every single child is
for deep strong connections with their significant
big people and we need our big people to be alphas in the house so they are the people who
actually keep us all safe. So, what often happens when
this happening in a world, the child has got a mixed
message about their power. So, at some point, on a low point for a mom or a dad, they have won. When they’ve had a taste of that power, that means they can’t trust you to hold the ship in a right direction. Once again, you might need to have a conversation and go, “I am the parent. I am the person who
controls what happens here and you might not like this but I need you to be able to respect this boundary”. So, you have to go to that one first. The second one, I know it’s the reverse of what you think, you think
if I discipline them more, I’m gonna get what I want but what happens when you discipline, this
particular sort of child, without adding to connection and love, you make them angrier and more frustrated and often the outburst
and things will continue. So, how do I build those
sorts of connections to a child that doesn’t deserve it? Look at not only one on one
time away from the family and if not, aunts, uncles, grandpas, grandmas, neighbors, anybody
else who can help you because it’s a learned behavior. We have to unlearn the behavior, give them other alternatives and that does mean some emotional coaching as well. But, please, it’s not always as simple as more discipline will stop it because in their world that’s about power and I’m gonna fight to keep my power. So, once again keep each
other safe as you can but we need you to step
up and be the alpha and not feel that you’ve failed. Lots of children go through
stages with too much, use too much power to and
they hurt other children. Take it easy, take a
breath, have a conversation with other people around you,
you can turn this around. Until next time.

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