Engrish or Japanglish marketing comes in many
forms. Sometimes its the man in the street, during
the festive season. Proudly holding a sign saying Christmas Fucking Sale. Sometimes its a simple household item like
string, being branded with a sinister sounding title like; “FamilyRope”. Er…I’m not sure what purpose they had
in mind when they were branding that. Or sometimes its the invention of new words
altogether. Tokyo Banana. Creamy. Soft. And bananaful.
(Worrying noise) But it’s definitely one of the bonuses of
living in Asia – to experience this unique form of English on products and services you
use in everyday life. People always ask me to make a “day in the
life” video, because they think it’d be fun to watch me sitting in a chair all day eating
biscuits. But today, I will show you a day in my life,
through the bizarre and wonderful Japanese-English marketing discoveries I encountered, on my
walk around town yesterday. In the morning I went to a department store
downtown to buy some cheap socks. Such is the glamorous life I lead. And whilst I was passing through the underwear
section, a questionable brand of underwear caught my eye.
Namely, BLACK MAN Underwear. Black man. Super Bikini. I don’t know if the people behind the brand
were being spectacularly bold or ridiculously naive.
But curiously all of the models on the boxes were white. However, it was the paragraph on the box that
really grabbed my attention, outlining the remarkable grand vision behind the Black Man
Underwear brand. A man has freedom as a man.
It is dream, love…and everything else. Black man is pursuing it forever.
Black man makes you to be free. It is a nice taste. Clearly, a lot of thought had gone into thinking
that up. But there were different types of Black Man
underwear. There was your standard conventional underwear, a bikini, and even a sport edition. At least, I think it was a Sport Edition. It just had Sporty Erogance written down the
front. In hindsight I’m not sure if that meant
sporty elegance, or Sporty Arrogance. Particularly, as it would take a degree of
arrogance to wear the Black man Super Bikini out in Public. Anyway after that I went to grab some lunch
and on the way I passed through the local nightlife district. And to my surprise I stumbled across a Secret
Sexy Club. But how do I know it was a secret sexy club? Well it said so on the 30 foot billboard out
the front. You’d think that’d be the first rule of
secret sexy club wouldn’t you? We do not talk about secret sexy club. Because by telling people, you’re secret
sexy club, inherently, you’re not a secret sexy club. It’s not a secret is it? Then again, I’m probably overestimating
the thought that goes into naming these clubs. Especially as the club next door was called
“Club Bitter” Club Bitter. I bet it’s good fun in there. At the end of the day though, if I had to
enter one of the clubs i walked passed, I’d have to go with Sexy Friendly Club. It may
lack the flawed secrecy of secret sexy club – but at the end of the day you want the chance
of sexy friendship don’t you. That’s one of the key factors you look for,
when you enter one of these incredible clubs. For lunch I went to a noodle restaurant and
grabbed a dish that described itself as having Pleasant aftertaste in which sourness and
pungency harmonise in exquisite balance. And if that didn’t sound appealing enough,
it also came with plenty of vegetables and it was women-friendly. Which are two of the essential things I look
for when choosing a dish. Weird description aside it was actually quite
nice. And it was also a Vegan restaurant which is
somewhat out of character for me. But I’m a bit weary about meat these days,
more specifically, chicken. Ever since I was walking passed this chicken
restaurant and it was a restaurant that specialised in chicken. And on the side there was a picture of a chicken
with all the different parts that you could eat. And one part of the chicken set alarm bells
ringing. It was a part of the chicken labelled as… Bon Jovi.
They were halfway there alright. Half way up a chickens… So, I’ve been actively avoiding eating Bon
Jovi chicken ever since… After lunch I was walking through a shopping
mall – and it was a really annoying shopping mall. Every 2 meters there was a sign saying
the mall, the bargain. And I couldn’t help but think – that’s
nothing to brag about is it? One singular bargain.
You know I wouldn’t put that everywhere. One of the shops caused me some concern though.
There was a discount children clothes shop called “Starvations” Starvations – again I don’t know what compelled
them to use that as their name. Presumably, at some point during the store’s
conception, some people in a room thought it up.
“Maybe we should brand our new chain of stores around the theme of childhood innocence
and wonder” “Nah fuck it. Let’s name it after an extreme
form of malnutrition.” But in the end I did actually manage to grab
the bargain in the form of this delightful towel. Sometimes there’s an item that’s got such
brilliant english that you have to buy it spontaneously there and then. You see, I’m alway looking for chances to
enhance my masculinity – and what better way than through this Men’s Wide and Long Towel. Thoroughly wash your manly body.
That was a call to arms I simply couldn’tignore. It also describes itself as “A large towel
that can thoroughly wash every corner of a bulky man’s body! Clean up like a man!” There’s even a little area in the corner
where you can touch the towel… touch the manliness. Coor yeah. It feels like sandpaper. Fuck yeah. Best of all there’s details on the back
of how to use this…this manly towel. “Even a small amount of soap will foam well
and the rich and creamy foam will cleanly rid the skin of dirt.” Rich creamy foam. Yeah…such manliness. I’m
going to have fun with this later. In the evening I went for dinner with a friend
to a 1950’s styled pub chain called Hanbey. It’s a really cheap, the food’s amazing,
but it’s the menu that really blows my mind every time. Honestly, it is the most ridiculous menu I’ve
ever seen. It must have been conjured up by someone who was taking something rather special. For example, above the section for sashimi,
for raw fish, there’s a somewhat distasteful girl remarking
“I think I fit well in sake, please Daddy.” You what. Imagine if your daughter came up
to you and said that. Then above that there’s a dish called Monster
Priest Octopus Sausage. Which sounds like the something David Lynch
would think up. And what better way to wash that Monster Priest
Octopus Sausage down than with the “Cinnamon Water of terror” And my perhaps my own personal favourite;
“Fly like a scallop…” I quite like that, it brings back nostalgic
memories from “Fly like an Eagle” from Space Jam. Although fly like a scallop lacks some of
the punch from the original version. But as English menu’s go, Hanbey’s is
surely the craziest of them all. So there you have it in – a day in the life
of crazy english. How about you though? what have you found
on your travels. Let us know in the comments section below! And if you want more bizarre examples of Japanese-
English, check out last years video on my reasons why Japanese-English marketing is
amazing. A colourful waffle design enables the co-ordination
of I liking. And I was so confused I actually ended up buying it. Thanks for watching guys. I’m off to wash
my manly body. Although it does actually feel like sandpaper…that
wasn’t an exaggeration. If my face is red and torn apart in the next
video, you’ll know I’ve been using this manly towel – god forbid. See you then. Damn, I quite want to watch Space Jam now.
I haven’t seen that in like 16 years. Bloody hell. What a great film. Ah it is quite good though isn’t it?