A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar … | Maz Jobrani

A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into a Qatari bar … | Maz Jobrani

Translator: Joseph Geni
Reviewer: Morton Bast Hello, Doha. Hello! Salaam alaikum. I love coming to Doha.
It’s such an international place. It feels like the United Nations here. You land at the airport,
and you’re welcomed by an Indian lady who takes you to Al Maha Services,
where you meet a Filipino lady who hands you off to a South African lady who then takes you to a Korean who takes you to a Pakistani guy
with the luggage who takes you to the car
with a Sri Lankan. You go to the hotel and you check in.
There’s a Lebanese. Yeah? And then a Swedish guy
showed me my room. I said, “Where are the Qataris?” (Laughter) (Applause) They said, “No, no, it’s too hot.
They come out later. They’re smart.” “They know.” (Laughter) And of course, it’s growing so fast,
sometimes there’s growing pains. You know, like sometimes
you run into people that you think know the city well,
but they don’t know it that well. My Indian cab driver showed up at the W, and I asked him to take me
to the Sheraton, and he said, “No problem, sir.” And then we sat there for two minutes. I said, “What’s wrong?”
He said, “One problem, sir.” (Laughter) I said, “What?” He goes, “Where is it?” (Laughter) I go, “You’re the driver,
you should know.” He goes, “No, I just arrived, sir.” I go, “You just arrived at the W?”
“No, I just arrived in Doha, sir.” (Laughter) “I was on my way home from the airport, I got a job. I’m working already.” (Laughter) He goes, “Sir, why don’t you drive?” (Laughter) “I don’t know where we’re going.” “Neither do I. It will be
an adventure, sir.” (Laughter) The Middle East has been
an adventure the past couple of years. It is going crazy with the Arab Spring
and revolution and all this. Are there any Lebanese
here tonight, by applause? (Cheering) Lebanese, yeah. The Middle East is going crazy. You know the Middle East is going crazy when Lebanon is the most peaceful
place in the region. (Laughter) (Applause) Who would have thought? (Laughter) Oh my gosh. No, there’s serious issues in the region. Some people don’t want to talk about them.
I’m here to talk about them tonight. Ladies and gentlemen of the Middle East,
here’s a serious issue. When we see each other, when we say hello, how many kisses are we going to do? (Laughter) Every country is different
and it’s confusing, okay? In Lebanon, they do three. In Egypt, they do two. I was in Lebanon, I got used to three. I went to Egypt. I went to say hello
to this one Egyptian guy, I went, one, two. I went for three — He wasn’t into it. (Laughter) I told him, I said, “No, no,
I was just in Lebanon.” He goes, “I don’t care where you were.
You just stay where you are, please.” (Laughter) (Applause) I went to Saudi Arabia. In Saudi Arabia, they go one, two,
and then they stay on the same side: three, four, five, six,
seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18 — (Laughter) Next time you see a Saudi, look closely. They’re just a little bit tilted. (Laughter) “Abdul, are you okay?” “I was saying hello
for half an hour. I’ll be all right.” (Laughter) Qataris, you guys do the nose to nose. Why is that? Are you too tired
to go all the way around? (Laughter) “Habibi, it’s so hot. Just come here
for a second. Say hello. Hello, Habibi. Just don’t move.
Just stay there, please. I need to rest.” (Laughter) Iranians, sometimes we do two,
sometimes we do three. A friend of mine explained to me,
before the ’79 revolution, it was two. (Laughter) After the revolution, three. So with Iranians, you can tell
whose side the person is on based on the number
of kisses they give you. Yeah, if you go one, two, three —
“I can’t believe you support this regime!” (Laughter) “With your three kisses.” (Laughter) But no, guys, really,
it is exciting to be here, and like I said, you guys
are doing a lot culturally, you know, and it’s amazing, and it helps change the image
of the Middle East in the West. A lot of Americans don’t know
a lot about us, about the Middle East. I’m Iranian and American. I’m there.
I know, I’ve traveled here. There’s so much, we laugh, right? People don’t know we laugh. When I did the Axis of Evil comedy tour,
it came out on Comedy Central, I went online to see
what people were saying. I ended up on a conservative website. One guy wrote another guy. He said,
“I never knew these people laughed.” Think about it. You never see us laughing
in American film or television, right? Maybe like an evil laugh: “Wuhahaha.” (Laughter) “I will kill you in the name
of Allah, wuhahahahaha.” (Laughter) But never like, “Ha ha ha ha la.” (Laughter) We like to laugh.
We like to celebrate life. And I wish more Americans
would travel here. I always encourage my friends: “Travel, see the Middle East, there’s so much to see,
so many good people.” And it’s vice versa,
and it helps stop problems of misunderstanding
and stereotypes from happening. For example, I don’t know
if you heard about this, a little while ago in the US,
there was a Muslim family walking down the aisle of an airplane, talking about the safest place
to sit on the plane. Some passengers overheard them, somehow misconstrued that
as terrorist talk, got them kicked off the plane. It was a family, a mother, father, child,
talking about the seating. As a Middle Eastern male, I know there’s certain things
I’m not supposed to say on an airplane in the US, right? I’m not supposed to be
walking down the aisle, and be like, “Hi, Jack.” That’s not cool. (Laughter) Even if I’m there with my friend
named Jack, I say, “Greetings, Jack. Salutations, Jack.” Never “Hi, Jack.” (Laughter) But now, apparently we can’t even talk about the safest place
to sit on an airplane. So my advice to all my Middle Eastern
friends and Muslim friends and anyone who looks
Middle Eastern or Muslim, so to, you know, Indians, and Latinos,
everyone, if you’re brown — (Laughter) Here’s my advice to my brown friends. (Laughter) The next time you’re
on an airplane in the US, just speak your mother tongue. That way no one knows
what you’re saying. Life goes on. (Laughter) Granted, some mother tongues
might sound a little threatening to the average American. If you’re walking
down the aisle speaking Arabic, you might freak them out — (Imitating Arabic) They might say, “What’s he talking about?” The key, to my Arab brothers and sisters, is to throw in random
good words to put people at ease as you’re walking down the aisle. Just as you’re walking down — (Imitating Arabic) Strawberry! (Laughter) (Imitating Arabic) Rainbow! (Laughter) (Imitating Arabic) Tutti Frutti! (Laughter) “I think he’s going to hijack
the plane with some ice cream.” Thank you very much. Have a good night. Thank you, TED. (Cheers) (Applause)

Comments (100)

  1. The title and the video have no match whatsoever. They might have put the β€œIndian” to get more viewers. Scam right ?

  2. What, that was it? We need more from this guy. He’s hilarious.

  3. Hey we Indians dont like that. Tatadadada. Nope πŸ˜‚

  4. Title does not match content.

  5. πŸ˜€πŸ˜€πŸ˜

  6. This guy is amazing

  7. Free Kashmir! 🀲🏻❀

  8. YouTube keep recommending me this video. Now I finally know why. And I don't like it

  9. I couldn't stop laughing even after he stopped his amused talking. Who else is here in 2019?

  10. The comedian has tried his hardest.
    Apart from comedy there are serious topics in life

  11. strawberri πŸ“

  12. They laughed without murdering anyone !!!!! Amazing

  13. I'm from India and I love middle east <3 World needs love and peace, earth is home!

  14. Hi all, I don't know weather is it even ok to ask or not. Why are the hijab ladies showing their faces in public in this video?

  15. I followed maz for one reason.. He nver stops making me laugh

  16. That was good πŸ˜πŸ‘from Australia πŸ‡¦πŸ‡Ί

  17. He's like the only American to get away with all that πŸ˜‚πŸ˜†

  18. He is as funny as watching paint dry.

  19. Very good comedyAbsolutely love it.In America , some sikhs were killed because killer confused them with arabs.What do you think on it.

  20. Beautiful, I love that guy, great comedy!

  21. I look forward to the day we see an Iranian comedian from Iran. This guy is American.

  22. Islam is the religion from every ethnicity not just brown bro

  23. Just wear a t-shirt that says, "Not a terrorist" and write on the luggage, "Not a bomb" just to put people at rest.

  24. Even Ted has nonsense talks? I feel cheated.

  25. When did TED started to do stand up comedy show?

  26. The best part is "hi-Jack" πŸ˜‚πŸ˜œβ€οΈ

  27. He is roasting them kn their face

  28. When he said "nhdjsnshsjkebeksoshnskshskk…strwberry"i felt that

  29. 5:32 What did she eat

  30. Good piece of advice ….in a good way

  31. 3:33 is just laughy

  32. Who loves this beautiful diversity in this incredible world

  33. "They never see us laugh" obviously they haven't seen indian panini

  34. After the show got over, he got escorted straight away and never to be seen again

  35. He look like an Arabic Eric Andre without hair

  36. And just like that he took a flight to jhon f Kennedy .landed safely while some bombings happened over middle East

  37. That's why they allow migrant workers in because they are too rich to work themselves!

  38. So where was the joke about the saudi, Indian, Iranian in a bar ?

  39. man you are giftedπŸ˜‚

  40. Tom Hardy, somewhere in his face

  41. 4:02 The Shah had a regime too…

  42. I myself use to think Arabs never laugh ..I HV been to UAE and Doha I never saw them laughing

  43. Elkelemah alkelemah elkelemah hahahaha 🀣

  44. Shouldn't that be "A Saudi, an Indian and an Iranian walk into an embassy…"

  45. Pakistani guy with luggage πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  46. A good comedy routine and a good way to address a serious subject.

  47. Click bait!!πŸ™„

  48. I miss superior donuts it was good and he was pretty funny in it

  49. Fucking clickbait


  50. Wow they really laughed

  51. He just did a milder version of Russel Peters

  52. Add an Inidan tag on youtube.. the views keep flowing..

  53. Wow, you are so funny SubhanAllah

  54. Americans are sooo weird man . No wonder why no likes us

  55. "Never Hi-jack!"πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  56. This guy is fucking racist 😢😢

  57. Dont forget to wave ur head side by side when u mimicry indians…πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  58. Insulting the arab culture in the name of comedy and idiots arabs are laughing themselves… perhaps no translator there . Lol

  59. πŸ–•laugh he does not get it ..theres a lot of racist out there im not one humour only goes so far

  60. And addgint to the whole Saudi topic: look for 'fluffy visits Saudi Arabia' It explains things some more.

    It proves, religion and coverment ruin more then do good. The rest of us are just trying to lead a normal happy life.

  61. Is he still alive now? That's talented

  62. I feel bad if you believe Trump will be your savior. They let him win for a reason. He is a tool for division and distraction and he's good at it. We need a total reset of the system and it's coming.

  63. I will tell you what the real problem is in middle East.You"ll try to please America.The only non middle East country you"ll want to speak about is America.There are other countries too.Why only West why not East,which is far better than West.Infact you"ll are better than West.

  64. πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  65. This guy is a definitely a strawberry rainbow tootie fruitie

  66. Constantly kissing at my house. When I'm in Saudi, I have to throw in Muhammad once in awhile to prevent being beheaded.

  67. Is he supposed to be funny?

  68. This-man-is-awesome! πŸ˜€

  69. What's wrong with girl at 5 36 πŸ˜‚

  70. So very true, from a Canadian perspective and being from a melting pot of Culture in Montreal and Toronto, I can attest that although I am influenced to understand a multitude of cultures through osmosis, my greatest biases and stereotypes where put to rest when I traveled the world. There is no greater education than that of experiencing this world first hand. I wish more Americans would use their vacations to travel this big beautiful world and formulate opinions based on real world experience instead of the media… unless you all live in a world of talking Mice, Dogs and Bunnies, going to Disney Land once a year is not really going to educate you.

  71. I have heard all these jokes in videos of Russel peters long back…. These are exactly the same

  72. It will be Assalamualaikum.

  73. He fucked them, right on their faces!! LOL

  74. Dude this guy is Incredible…..He just explained the whole Middle-East criteria in just 7min ….LOL

  75. You are the best πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

  76. All Araab very close to disaster
    Because they forgot their religion and their Right Path.

    Shame on you Alla Araab kings and Araab communities Alsoo

  77. As a Native American, Mexican American. I often get mistaken for the following: Persian, Hawaiian, Middle Eastern, Puerto Rican, and other Races. Don't know if this is relevant just wanted to to share.

  78. A…hole comedian, he is a true racist, down down

  79. It has nothing to do with the caption

  80. A Saudi a Iranian, and an Indian walked in a bar ?????? Is this, some kinda joke??

  81. Funny that all videos with an Indian tag has an average of 1 million views

  82. He sounds like Russell Peters.

  83. On TED really??? Hahaha

  84. His joke is fake and exaggerating just like his way of telling it. So not natural. πŸ™‚ besides how many swedish guys have you seen working as hotel boys in Qatar ? πŸ™‚

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