If you’re on of the odd people who has watched any of my other videos Hello to you… strange person you’d probably be aware by now that metal festivals are populated with incredibly friendly people who are incredibly open minded and usually incredibly drunk now as i’m sure you can imagine at some point this combination leads to people becoming INCREDIBLY friendly and INCREDIBLY not clothed now at some point in your festival going career you’re going to have to learn to cope with seeing vast amounts of the human anatomy that you may or may not want to see and it’s mostly going to be dicks How many people are going to put their faces in there? Take many pictures! of us trying to… OK, keep going 1,2,3,4 you’ve gotta get it IN the hole Unless Steel Panther are playing. SHOW YOUR BOOBIES! Sight mir dinen titten! Now, since you are, I assume A grown, mature adult If not, hello you probably have an understanding of what the human anatomy is and had some experience with so it’s probably not going to be that much for culture shock for you to have to get used to your friends getting their bits out for a joke. but how do you deal with sexy times in the confines of the festival space? now at some point in your festival attending career you’re probably going to have to come to terms with the whole festival sex problem be it as an active participant, in which case good for you more power to you or if you’re like me you’re more of an innocent bystander who is being subjected to it I personally try to abstain from stuff like this at festivals mostly on hygiene and comfort grounds. Which we shall go into when you’re lucky enough to encounter a person with whom you wish to engage in some sort of carnal pursuit you’re going to be encountering an issue in location. it’s probably down to my lack of imagination here but pretty much campsite is your only option here as far as I can see you’re gonna have to come to terms with the fact that sound proof tents don’t really exist so there are two main ways maybe three ways to get around the lack of soundproofing in a somewhat basic tent 1 is you don’t give a fuck and you deal with the fact that everyone in the camp site and the rest of my life is going to know what you sound like having sex which is fine if you’ve got the right sort of friends. 2 or 1.1 depending on way to go here is going to your partner’s camp site if they’re from a different camp site, then they have to deal with the shame but you get off scot-free. The third option is you bring a bang tent. So a bang tent is you bring a specific tent just for this purpose you get in early enough to set it up somewhere else in the campsite away from where anyone you know is so if you are fortuitous is enough to meet a person with whom you wish to engage in these acts, you may take them to your bang tent and you may have some modicum of privacy, at least from the prying ears and eyes of your friends another pertinent issue worth discussing is the actual physical logistics of having sex in a tent now my personal experience I normally take smaller tents to this sort of thing Space does become a bit of a premium if you got the luxury of being able to open the zipper on the front it’s not so much of an issue. but if you’re in a situation where space is not an option you will find you’re somewhat limited in the activities that you’re able to carry out another issue keep in mind is that most camping products are made of nylon plastic that sort of thing and as a result they will cause friction burns I can speak from experience in telling you than an air mattress that will give you friction burns on the inside you knees and you probably won’t grow the hair back there for another couple of years HYGIENE! it’s another thing that comes up when the festival sex monster rears its head I’m not going to say not got the highest cleanliness standard but there’s just something unappealing about playing with the genitals of a person who hasn’t showered in five days and has been running around and sweating in the mud not so much of an issue at festivals like metaldays where people are spending a lot of time and like the river Or there is a festival in Australia called unifiy that’s by the sea (it’s not sorry) that sort of thing not so much of an issue but if you’re at a festival like wacken or brutal assault when people have minimal access to showers are standing around in humid and muggy weather I don’t want to know what’s inside your pants no matter how attractive you are so the last issue I’ll probably bring up in this bit is it sort of relates the first issue of audibility within the campsite comes down to how comfortable are you with your camp-mates and how big a dicks are they now this is probably best illustrated with a story Story time This story involves two of my friends, with whom I’ve been to festivals previously so there was already a pre-established relationship one of them wasn’t camping with us but they were hanging out with us. that’s all cool we’re all sitting around a little campsite circle thingy in our luxurious camp chairs and we sort of notice that two people who we’d been getting a bit of a vibe from had disappeared not much to think of there because we figured they’d gone elsewhere to a different campsite. thought nothing of it but a few minutes later a good friend of ours comes trotting up to the camp with an expression of glee on his face i can’t remember his exact wording but it was something along the lines of hey you guys want to come to something funny to which we all replied yes we do want to see something funny he explained to us the situation we all giggled and got up and followed him to his tent now this was a tent that was being shared between 4-5 people and actually had like sort of a few different rooms in it, big main chamber two sleeping chambers on either side once in the tent we’re in the sort of the main area of the tent We’ve obviously heard the noise coming from one of the chambers so while we are standing around inspecting the situation our good friend who’s brought us here opens up the side of the tent and lo and behold what we find inside but our 2 dear friends interlocked in a carnal naked pretzel. now needless to say, they were particularly happy to see that there was about six people watching them in their somewhat intimate activities this is not deter them from carrying out those activities but they did express their displeasure up sometime of playing a game of chicken effectively as to who would blink first it is rather… odd situation my friend decides he’s just going to sit down next to them and start offering helpful tips this was the point that they became particularly enraged and we were then mostly chased out of the tent by a man who was less than happy with us however it was during the somewhat interesting yet naked eviction that another one of my friends decided he would close himself and my friend who’d sat on the floor into this chamber with the other party of this sexual interlude thus attempting is to lock the other out needless to say this didn’t go well and he forced his way back in so at this point we were sort of like “all right enough’s enough we’ll leave them to it” and we did for about a minute at which point we simply started chanting at them throughout the whole process needless to say they had to try again later and had somewhat better results so I guess in order to avoid a situation like that some sort of consideration is required from the people external to any sort of activities that you are partaking in but it kind of goes both ways so they should be considerate to you, but in a way you should be considerate to them if you are lucky enough to partake in such activities in the campsite what I mean is as I said, tent’s aren’t sound proof, so people are going to hear you If you’re partaking in activities at six o’clock in the morning a bunch of hungover metal heads probably not going to be appreciative of that No matter how good a friends they are with you I camped next to a Canadian girl once who sounded like someone frequently zipping and unzipping a tent ad nauseam for about half an hour. That’s very hard to go sleep too now i feel at the end of this video I don’t have a whole lot to say I guess But it would be poignant to finish with a tale or two Oh do tell us another story As previously mentioned, I don’t personally try and partake in festival sex. I almost try to avoid so I’ve got some friends who have given me some input and I shall read them verbatim Anecdote the first. Entitled: The maiden and the minstrel knight’s load Lovely German lady, and the last day of the festival Ensiferum, Amon Amarth and Blind Guardian playing back to that but with an hour inbetween I not wishing to lose my place decided to stick it out whatever strain on my bladder about halfway through Amon Amarth my friend, who’s stood behind me reaches around and begins feeling me up. now I hadn’t relieved myself in sometime so this has rather a strong effect NONE OF US WILL EVER YIELD NooOOOwwwWWWwwww To the SCAVengeRS BenEaTH This continued all through the interval and blind guardian by the end of which I hadn’t pissed for six hours and had my genitals jiggled for about 3 as I’m lead back to her tent i am consumed by fear here is this lovely lass and I’m set to blow faster than a zit faced boy discovering porn for the first time sure enough I came almost instantaneously But my lady friend was very understanding when I explained it to her and nodded telling me “okay but you’re not leaving this tent until you go another round” seconds went much better Anecdote the second: you have call that a sandwich? hanging out at Wacken, good vibes, good times I’d been getting on very well with a lovely Swedish woman. A competitive runner to boot, so significantly fitter than the usual tubby hairy men that metal festivals attract. one afternoon as I am departing the camp for a gig she was returning she looks at me longingly checks to make sure i’ll be around the camp that evening and snogs me farewell grand excellent just doesn’t get senselessly drunk and you should have quite a splendid evening. i missed the mark that evening we’re all sat around the camp having jovial good times drinking laughing and I’m decide a bit peckish my first mistake didn’t notify her or invite her to get sustenance no I quietly slipped off into the dead of night thinking it would be a quick journey the camp however was rather awkwardly placed between ditches cris crossing wacken so while it was geographically close to the nearest sandwich shop by a proper path it would have been a 10-15 minute walk. No problem, I shall navigate a path through the ditches. it was quite late in the festival. As Wacken goers know by this point all the trenches are filled with a delightful mix of rain, piss, shit, vomit and beer fortunately I was not drunk enough to try and jump but I wasn’t drunk enough to spend maybe half an hour trying to track a path through before giving up Did the round trip for my sandwich and had been gone long enough with no explanation by the time I returned, the Swede had met and gone off with a handsome Canadian man. to make matters worse i don’t think i’ve ever had a worse sandwich it was tainted with days old mayonnaise felt like rotten eggs had combusted in my mouth old egg slices inside fucking all filling and dry, flaky bread that slapped my spirit and that is how i accidentally passed up a night with a delightful Swedish woman for the world’s worst sand- That was a video. again. I have a tendency to make them once a week it seems so keep that in mind if you want to be notified of such events event you can click the subscribe button otherwise you can just like the videos that would be cool too i guess or even just leave a comment if you want me to talk about something or if you’re someone i know and i have dirt on don’t want to talk about do that otherwise… Bye!

Comments (11)

  1. You spelled 'Straya' wrong…

  2. ahh festival fucking Bloodstock 2013 had a couple going at it about 2 feet away from my head while i was trying to have A kip it will live with me for the rest of my days…..

  3. Ensiferum, Amon Amarth and Blind fucking Guardian playing back to back??? I woulda creamed my fucking jeans right then and there, without the genital manipulations.

  4. Real life superpower. being able not to make loud noices while doing these activities. 😂 gonna make things so much easier when in campsites etc.

  5. We've had a Finnish pair camping next to us, banging loudly from I kid you not, 1 am to 4 am. Let me tell you I don't need a Duolingo app for expressing myself in Finnish anymore.

  6. Lol i bet the tent with the two rooms was little and big dans tent

  7. What’s the song at 5:25?

  8. Welllll…… metal festivals have lgbt people I would love to meet love!

  9. My first time was at a festival and at 13 it was certainly a experience

  10. "Zaig mia däine Titteeeen" 😀

    Also if acoustic porno is an issue, just use some ballgags or something

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